Excerpt for Divorced Of Somatic Stupidities And Happily Married by , available in its entirety at Smashwords



By Santosh Jha

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Copyright 2017 Santosh Jha

Smashwords Edition

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A Big Thanks... You have already enjoyed 31 of my eBooks. They all, be it fiction or non-fiction, have been my humble endeavor to empower your consciousness for life-living wellness and personal excellence. This 32nd eBook is also aimed at continuing to write on the core issues of 3Cs – Consciousness, Cognition and Causality, as I stick to my belief that holistic, integrative and assimilative knowledge of the 3Cs alone can open the doors of wellness and excellence in a world of chaos, conflict and confusion, we live in. There is nothing better than living a self-aware life with poise of purpose...

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License Notes

Thank you for downloading this free eBook. Although this is a free eBook, it remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for commercial or non-commercial purposes. Thanks for your support.

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Preface:

We all live in very complex and fast changing milieus, where the first casualty is poise and equanimity of consciousness. The drift takes its toll on cognitive realism. Both men and women are coping hard with milieus outside; in professions especially. For both men and women, troubles may be varied in degrees of intensity but troubles have the same origin. Both men and women struggle in milieus outside but when they come home, they surely need to have a heaven, where both men and women should feel rejuvenated, so that every morning they move out, recovering their poise back. Home is where we have all things, which we lose outside. Home is where we have all things, we do not find or cannot attain outside.

However, most home milieus have troubles. Our contemporary homes are surely missing what they should ideally have. In such un-replenishing home milieus, the man thinks, most troubles are because of the woman and woman thinks the man is creating them all. The reality is, most women fail to understand their men with a standpoint, which the men have and hold dear. Men do the same. They don’t care to see and accept the women’s worldview and perspective. Once the home milieu loses poise, even small issues blow out of proportion.

It is never that everything in a marriage or intimate relationship is wrong and troubled because either man or woman created them. Both have their fair share in most troubles around. This needs to be seen and accepted as the basics of mutual wellness in marriages. Man or woman must never treat one’s own wellness as separate from the wellness of his or her partner. Individual wellness must never be considered as competing domains.

Men and women need to see and accept the basic reality that for a man and woman in intimacy and mutuality, wellness is a collective and singular domain – an Inclusive Entity. The individual domains of wellness of husband and wife are so inter-linked, inter-dependent that segregated solutions don’t work. Rather, they are calamitous for the very sustenance of mutuality and intimacy.

Life and living successes are all about this very intricate mechanism of wellness. Men and women need to step out of their individual domains and see and accept the utility of building planks of mutuality and symbiosis in marriage. Man-woman mutuality is huge component of life-living wellness. A man is a man, he has to see and accept. He has to lead. He has the larger onus of success on his shoulders, when it comes to organizing the success of wellness enterprise of mutuality and intimacy. Men surely can do it...

Acceptance, somehow works magic for compatibility and cooperation. Different entities may not necessarily be competitive as complementarities are better with distinct things. This is a difficult acceptance, seems only metaphoric but surely has core pragmatism and practical utility for all of us...

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At The Very Outset…!

Marriage always has to be a special thing for everyone. However, the sad reality is that this world of humanity has many mismanaged contradictions but two things were the most mismanaged. First is marriage and second is the conception of a child – both issues at the core of wellness of both men and women. Almost everyone has seen worst and nastiest of marriages, be it what we popularly term as love marriage or an arranged one.

Globally, the systems of marriages are flawed and the worst managed. One really wonders; how little thought goes over this important issue of humanity. Sure, it seems, humanity has failed in evolving a universally accepted and practically aesthetic system of such a beautiful and important life event as marriage and the more critical necessity of required readiness to welcome a child in the family. When we look at it, we find it to our bewilderment that how humanity has created so much utility and consumption for good life and living but failed miserably in making basic and primary things as good and beautiful. That’s why it needs to be accepted that there is something majorly wrong with our mental training that helped in creating a world order we all have lived in since ages and continue to do so.

Somehow, it seems, there is this general view that Birth, Death and Marriages are beyond human capacities. This ‘Made in Heaven’ psychology seems to have led to this casualness in approaching the three most important events of humanity. That’s why there is so much chaos and mismanagement in these three events. Though, this casualness is also milieu-driven.

Amazing it is that we leave simple things; which we should do ourselves, to God and take up all difficult tasks ourselves. Men would do the unthinkably onerous and difficult tasks of challenging nature and God. Men would walk in space, climb Mount Everest without oxygen, make its own clone and the list is endless. But they never spare few moments for readying themselves for basic things like marriage, birth of their child and their own death. You need to prepare and be in final readiness for marriages and birth. We all need to prepare hard and be very timely in readiness for our deaths.

Tragically, we humans are least prepared and in readiness for the three most essential and basic events of life but spend all our time, energy and resources in readying dispensable utilities and consumptions.

We shall talk later in some detail about being in the conscious state of ‘readiness’, before entering the domain of marriage, however, it is important at the very outset to enlist the need for both man and woman to see, understand and accept that marriage is a huge enterprise and needs loads of preparedness beforehand, so that when marriage happens, the two souls are in perfect readiness for it. Naturally, for that to happen, man and woman must first evolve through a mutuality-mode consciousness. There has to be an acceptance that marriage requires a different state of consciousness, as against the singular individualistic one. It is important that man and woman build up on this symbiotic consciousness by enlisting a ‘Mutuality-Mandate’. How?

For example, a man and woman wrote-up a ‘Constitution’ together of their marriage for both of them to follow. It just reflected of their consciousnesses jointly envisaging, how for them mutuality is going to unravel in their marriage. The constitution reads as:

Preamble: The two rationally endowed people – a woman and a man; physically, mentally and spiritually sound and mature; in decisive and total possession of love and compassion for each other and all; otherwise resourceful and capable of free will and independence of body and mind; hereby declare the aspiration and commitment for an assimilation; fully understanding and accepting the utility and desirability of such a union called marriage to attain the higher purity and purposes of life together; that otherwise is uncalled for. We as woman and man pledge and give ourselves to become wife and husband in absolute humility and inclusive objectivity.

The Constitution then goes on to list the seven pledges –

  1. The wife and husband shall strive and ensure, through thought and action that the roles and aspirations of each, as woman and man, are supported and enhanced through collective endeavors in best of meaning and spirit.

  2. The wife shall support the husband with total dedication for his endeavors to augment security, peace and organization in the marriage whereas; the husband shall devote himself completely in his wife’s initiatives to enhance the quotient of sanity, civility and beauty in marriage. In case of a conflict, the agenda with larger good shall prevail; otherwise, preference shall be given to latter.

  3. Conscious and copious efforts shall be made to design and devise platforms of togetherness and common actions of wife-husband. Individualism needs space within oneself so, there shall be very little physical space left for individual actions. Wife and husband shall be together and do together all possible activities in all possible ways. Togetherness and commonness is the essence of marriage but it does not come naturally to woman and man; necessitating endeavors aimed at its complete integration.

  4. The wife and husband shall observe complete transparency in thought and action in matters individual or common. Transparency shall always prevail even as time, space and circumstances necessitate divergence of opinion and action. Wife and husband are exclusive to each other because each one is the only person in front of whom; other can be nakedly transparent in consciousness and still not be ashamed but the happiest. Lack of transparency alone shall be the ground for breach of trust in marriage.

  5. Innocence shall rule most matters and decisions in marriage. Intelligence shall always be a back up device; emotional intelligence shall prevail over intelligent emotions. Marriage is an institution of ‘Conscious Choice’ and therefore, visceral and instinctive stupidities shall not be indulged; it shall however be duly assigned its proportionate weight. Innocence shall be the ultimate wisdom of marriage; the wife and husband shall strive to preserve and promote it through their efforts, individual as well as common. The success of marriage is in continuous and copious enhancement of prosperity, defined in terms of the sense of collective well-being. Both wife and husband pledge and accept that the benchmarks for this well-being shall be emotional fulfillment and abundance of innocence.

  6. There is a perfect acceptance to the fact between wife and husband that marriage is a small heaven within this infinite universe which is full of conflict, contradiction and resultant violence. The wife and husband therefore pledge and accept that in the heaven of marriage, violence, both of thought and action, shall have no place. All conflicts and contradictions shall therefore be brought up with utmost transparency and listed. The wife and husband hereby agree that such listed issues shall be brought to bilateral discussion only and that too when both are in best of the state of body and mind. Any of the two, who shows first sign of violence of thought, will automatically lose his plea. The concept of collective well-being will be the guiding prudence for resolution of conflicts and contradictions. Non resolution will be preferred if a mutual resolution is not arrived at. The final say however shall be of the wife, in her exclusively individual/bilateral capacity, as sanity falls in her personal side.

  7. Love and compassion shall be the core virtue of wife-husband relationship. Even in the worst of situations between wife and husband, in the long journey of married life; the husband shall remain with his wife, in thought and action, as a Father-figure to her. The wife shall, come what may, remain with her husband, in thought and action, as a Mother-figure to him. Marriage can cease to be, love and compassion can never. The wife-husband shall remain mother-father to each other, even in separation, till death lets them apart.

Different couples may have their own version of this constitution of marriage but the simple idea is that both men and women must accept the need of ‘investing’ satisfactory and optimum amount of mutually arrived tangibles and intangibles in ‘mutuality-domain’, as marriage is one hugely crucial ‘enterprise’ of life-living wellness. In action and thought, both men and women must show up this sense of propriety and purpose.

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Let This Sink In…

The man and woman mutuality and the raw element of core intimacy in the marriage are surely no business of ‘intelligence’ of words and language. All elemental and core utility have no words, only the primary sounds and raw acoustics of avowals. The music and dance have little utilities of words and language. The progression of the enterprises of music and dance is a conscious renunciation of the external and an acceptance of the journeys within. Intimacy is a brilliant mix of the best of both music and dance. Surely, it is ultimate artistry to renounce the cultural clutters of the consciousness, when deep in the intimacy music. The ingenuities of man or woman mind positioning needs to be renounced in the progression of intimacy as the music renounces words in its progression. Love and compassion needs a pure and poised higher consciousness…

This is important. People need to be happy and full of life together. Why waste time and energy on a notion, especially the populist cultural version of it, which is a fringe issue and a by-product of something more meaningful. People need to be Together; they need to be in Mutuality-Mode, they need to be Collaborators of Consciousnesses; they need to be Partners in engendering the artistry of life-living wellness and reciprocal excellence.

They surely need to be honest, innocently sincere to the core hypothesis of mutuality and committed to happiness. It is important that the man does not wish to individualize and particularize his emotions of ‘suitability/compatibility’ to his woman. For him, love and compassion should be embedded deep in his higher consciousness and must remain the primary energy of his wellness and happiness. Also, better it is for the woman to accept this hypothesis that marriage is only the ‘seed’ of the ‘tree’ of mutuality, which is evolved and matured with conscious elements of innocence of love and compassion. Men and women must adhere to the raw and bare basics of mutuality. The fringe issues, the peripheral attainments and populist perceptions in relationships should never unsettle the core and cardinal idea and ideology of life-living wellness and excellence.

Life is good, it is so full of beautiful probabilities and each probability unleashes a rainbow of happiness and wellness. It is the honest and innocent enterprise of mutuality, which lends fruition and utility to all mystically marvelous probabilities of wellness and happiness. The man and woman must invest well in the enterprise of mutuality. When the man and the woman are well in happy space of mutuality, the celebrations begin… Everyone is invited…!

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...For Finality Of Fruition

It is not that people await good times, the good times also await good people to come and hoist the potential seeded in the soil of future. Good words also wish for good readers, to be in reception of and be in linearity of the innocent intent, which ride on the shoulders of the words, for the finality of their fruition...

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On Navigation And Expression Of Intent

There has to be a humble admittance – Any word, however well meant and well spelt, is a possible suspect of misinterpretation. There is a simple reason. People are in different consciousnesses and culturally as well as personally inclined to a specific value-summation of utilities. As a writer, it is a huge temptation to take liberties, with not only imaginations but also with the words, as against their common and popular use. Do kindly accept my latitude with language and personal coinages of words, as I understand, many times, they may not conform to popular usages. I share with you whatever is part of my consciousness. All wisdoms say, what stays with you is what sinks in. Wisdom is what we internalize. I share with you whatever I have internalized in my life. This may not be mainstream stuff; but may have utility in some meaningful way. I believe, as a reader, you shall enjoy this novelty and pleasant awkwardness of the writing.

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Thanks For Your Magnanimity, The First Chapter Begins...







CHAPTER 1

Globally, majority of young men and women have been labeled by employers as ‘unemployable’. This is not new as it was said years back and this is however, not something confined to professionals but all sorts of jobs. However, surveys also reveal that majority of young job doers are happy or reasonably satisfied with their jobs, even when they may like bit of this or that to get better. What does this mean?

First; why we are talking about jobs and ‘un-employability’ of youth? We are supposed to talk about marriage and ‘marriageability’ of young ones! Yes, there is a purpose. This job and employability is a good metaphor to understand the nuances of the contemporary state of marriages and the root cause of troubles in them.

Though there are complexities in the entire blame-game, we can say, the undercurrent is that there seems to be huge gap between what job seekers think and accept as ‘good skills’ and what employers actually seek for good and satisfactory employability. This also means, in our milieus, things may seem nice and easy but the undercurrent is ‘mismanagement’ and ‘stressed-relationships’ between seekers and givers.

At the very outset, when we dig deep into this ‘un-employability’ complaints and actual scenario of the problem, we can see how there are more perceptional issues than real issues at the grassroots. Still, the trouble remains constant and gap seems to be widening between expectations about ‘idealism’ and availability of ‘realism’.

When we apply this paradigm to other milieus – this work space realism to social or familial space, we can easily see the realism is same bitter, stressed and mismanaged. Why and How?

From the point of view of modern-day marriage-needs and roles of men and women in them, even when there is no valid survey or no specific social research data to quote, the reality, which is there but not accepted is – a majority of young men are ‘unmarriageable’! May be, there are also good numbers of young women, who may well also qualify as ‘unmarriageable’ too…!

The realism in marriages, like in work space is –

Majority of young ‘eligible’ men, when they look at ‘marriage job’, they think and act like ‘employers’ and blame most modern young women as ‘unemployable’ (unmarriageable). Similarly, as women are also now ‘equal’ stake-holders in the ‘company’ or enterprise of marriage, they too think and act as ‘employers’ and also label most men as ‘unemployable’ (unmarriageable). Both may be right, if not entirely then at least majorly…

Now, the bigger issue is why employers feel that vast majority of employees are ‘unemployable’? They cite the biggest trouble as – The engineers or other graduates have good educational degrees and high scores with good institutions but they have little ‘hand-on’ skills and experiences, which modern complex enterprises require.

A very senior and reputed doctor in India said on national media that majority of young doctors, especially from private medical colleges cannot perform a normal child delivery as they are not provided ‘hands-on’ training exposure to it. This trouble is however, not confined to doctors and engineers.

Secondly, industry complains that most of young professionals have poor ‘soft-skill’ repertoire. This soft skill is critical modern-day need in enterprises which have complex work milieus and high stakes at quality maintenance to compete in global market supply scenario.

The employers also have major issues with the attitudes of young men and women. The youth on the other hand are complaining too, though overall feeling happy about the job they are assigned. Their take is that companies are not investing appropriately on their training, working conditions, etc. So, the trouble is not superficial, rather deep-rooted but still, not 100 percent real as we can clearly see, majority of issues in the problem are ‘perceptional’ – gap between perceptions of the two sides.

The same trouble is in marriages in all countries. This lack of ‘hands-on’ skills and ‘soft-skills’ are also major destroyers of marriages. Though there are no valid data from either government or private groups, individual researches maintain that three chief reasons for growing troubles in contemporary marriages all over the modern milieus are –

  1. Impulse Marriages – Both men and women not being sure why they are marrying!

  2. Women Empowerment – Average men not having ‘hand-on’ skills to understand and accept this new empowerment of modern working women and average women in turn not having ‘soft-skills’ and ‘hand-on’ skills to be sure, which way they need to install and operate the intangibility of their empowerment for personal as well as larger wellness…

  3. Complexity Of Relationships – Modern liberal socio-cultural milieus have offered options and variety to both men and women in choices of relationships and intimate partners. This is still very new, novel and evolving. Modern world has witnessed huge change in attitudes towards sex, intimacy and relationships. As young financially independent women are availing these options and variety now, which even men were unable to enjoy in past, all traditional perceptions and realism about relationships are precarious and unsettled. However, most young men do not wish to see and accept this new realism and many women are unsure about how to handle their new-found ‘optionability’…!

Like job market, modern economic enterprises have changed drastically and in them, jobs require a different set of skills, which are not being imparted by educators. Same with marriages. We need to understand it. The employers want ‘Industry-ready’ employees and do not want to invest time and money on training young employees, as per their specific needs. Employers complain that educational institutions have syllabuses and educational standards, which are not ‘Industry-Oriented’.

The youth however have good reasons to complain that most employers have bias against them and usually employers have ‘misconceptions’ about contemporary ‘youth-attitudes’ and youth-orientations’.

Almost similar is the situation in matrimonial domain. And, this is not only a modern day trouble but has been there since ages. Men were traditionally in the seat of ‘employers’ and they always complained about ‘poor employability’ of women in marriages. Most men, as ‘employers’, wish to have a ‘ready-to-go’ employee. They are already marrying late and have little time and space to accept and allow that in all employer-employee relationship, time and space need to be invested appropriately to work out excellence and optimality. Many modern working women, who are now financially independent, also find themselves in the seat of ‘employees’. They apply the same stupid benchmarks about ‘employability’.

Naturally, over 80% men and women are both ‘unemployable’ as well as ‘unmarriageable’…! Still, all such ‘unemployables’ are doing their jobs, earning good salaries from the very ‘unsatisfied’ employers and are happy too! Same with marriages…

We all – both men and women, especially the young men and women who are in marriageable age, have to understand and accept that marriage is one huge and very critical life-living enterprise for wellness and happiness. We all need to accept that even few decades back, when it was said that marriages were ‘happy-ones’ with almost negligible cases of divorces, in reality most marriages were in acute trouble. However, as women then were not ‘empowered’ and society was very unfavorable to women opting for dissent in marriages, let alone divorce, there was this misnomer that then the marriages were successful. Marriages have always been stressed and in poor management, like employability.

This realism leads both men and women to understand and accept two critical points –

  1. Marriages always needed huge preparations and great personal skills from both men and women for its success. In human history, not only marriages, rather all man-woman relationships have always been very stressed and conflicted. Now in contemporary world, where life-living has become more complex and tough, more and better ‘hands-on’ and ‘soft’ skills are required for marriages to be and remain successful. Trouble is – marriages now need more skills, men and women however have less ‘hands-on’ preparedness and readiness. Moreover, as most elements of the trouble are ‘perceptional’, both sides – men and women are equal culprits of not seeing and accepting the realism.

  2. Empowerment is a two-edged sword. As empowerment is an intangibility, not a tangible thing, which both men and women think as, we all, especially men have to accept that more personal skills are required to be invested in handling intimate relationships. Men have to dig deep into women’s mind and women too need to check out how and why they install and operate this ‘empowerment’ in everything tangible or intangible, they associate with their person and personality…

Globally, those companies are doing excellently, who believe in work as partnership and symbiotic enterprise of humanity. There is no employer and no employee when it comes to good work. There are just partners, who together sit and understand each other, respect each other’s needs and sensitivities, work out structures for excellence and invest on each other – not only tangibles but primarily intangibles. Marriages are also enterprise of partnership, where best of synergies are required. The blame game must be replaced by mutuality with high emotional investments and accentuated mutual respect for each other’s sensitivities.

Excellence is a tough institution. Just because a man has sperm and a woman has eggs, they cannot and should not qualify to be a father and mother. Similarly, being a husband and being a wife is no automatic eligibility. You have to work it out well to qualify for the position. There may be some automatic positions of ‘eligibility’, however, to be truly ‘qualified’ for the same position is a tough challenge. We need to look at excellence of ‘qualifications’ and stop taking ‘eligibility’ as granted. Marriage is a great enterprise; both men and women need to get to it that this job gets done well…

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CHAPTER 2

To be young is a blessing and being young comes with a package. Somehow, as youth energy is high-flow realism, often, a trouble or a crucial question of life and living gets blown out of proportion at the hands of young. As marriage has growingly become a complex issue and as growing number of marriages is facing troubles, this perception is being made out in populist psyche that Young Men And Women Are Reluctant To Get Married…!” Is it so?

Somehow, the right or logically appropriate answer is still evolving as the question itself is just in its inception or perceptionally disproportionate. Still, the talk is everywhere that young ones are not very inclined to marriage, especially young women, who are empowered and independent!

Before we attempt to answer this evolving question, let us first spare some precious time for a passage below, which shall probably help in delving into the perspectives of the question. No question of life is isolated from other questions. That is why, a holistic perspective about life-living and milieus may be rightfully appropriate here to understand the nature and scope of the question at hand as why it is being made out that The Young Men And Women Are Reluctant To Get Married…

Do kindly let the passage below sink in… what sinks in, stays…

The dawn was still processing its registry… the birds had though geared up for the day… flowers stirring and looking eastward set to welcome their beloved Sun…. A boy was awake too, marshalling his goats. She could clearly hear him singing in his pastoral best shrieking tone…

She sat by the window of her house watching and enjoying the blank sky. The grey sky would gradually turn crimson and finally golden. The darkness of the sky was what she was enjoying. She had a feeling it would look wonderful as and when dawn would herald its inevitable arrival...

She reminisced and smiled. How many times in her life, she found and cherished loads of purposes. She smiled because she realized how important stupidities of life are... how they extend you the chance to be wise. How people miss the relevance of stupidities as catalyst of wisdom.

She recalled the efforts and pain she had to invest in the preparedness for attaining her purposes at different stages of her life. And look at the brilliance of the conspiracy of almighty; whenever she prepared hard and meticulously for a purpose she wanted to attain, she would invariably fail. She would feel bad, low and frustrated about the wastage of her investments. Most of her successes however came when she had done the least preparation and was not even sure of the purpose...

She had finally accepted; preparation and purpose had a strange relationship. She wished to come to terms with the realization that preparation for a purpose is a misnomer. The preparedness is required for something, which is uncertain. Her father would often tell her – ‘Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst’. She realized it that what is certain and a definite purpose is what falls in the realm of hope. Preparedness is required for what is uncertain and does not form a purpose. If preparedness and purpose were linear realities, there would have been far more success stories on earth. Success remains as handful exceptions… success has traditionally been referred to as object of desire, hope and dreams. The real world faces the trouble that failures are the rule and most people are least prepared for it….

She realized; one needs to be in the state of ‘readiness’, not for a specific purpose but as life in general. One needs not to ‘prepare’ but to be ‘ready’. Readiness itself is the larger purpose for all preparedness. Preparedness is only a process whereas readiness is the end product; the final destination. The readiness is required not only for failures but also for successes. Handling success is more tedious task than handling failures. Success requires larger readiness.

She smiled as she realized she had attained readiness. When you attain, you go blank. The zero is the highest point of readiness. She thanked the almighty for bestowing upon her a series of crises and loads of stupidities … this journey to zero was necessary. She however prayed that the wisdom of zero remained with her. She wished to continue with her ‘readiness’ and not be part of any ‘preparedness’ in future.

She had realized her stupidity. The road ahead was clear to her. She had gone past the fear factor in her life. And, the readiness, the ultimate and exalted beingness was just beyond the confines of the fear factor. She remembered, how since childhood, she struggled to conquer a series of fears she thought she was born with. She grew up demolishing them but only to realize that she had added more fears than she overpowered.

The existential fears were replaced by fears that society offloaded on her. She grew up accepting so many benchmarks of successes and goodness that her family, her peer group, her seniors, icons and leaders lined up for her to follow. She grew up preparing hard to win all the benchmarks and in time got more apprehensive of failures and loses.

Even successes that came when she expected them the least, made her bury deeper in the abyss of fear. Each success only stretched the benchmarks and prolonged the process of preparedness. The fear never went away; rather it grew up engulfing her beingness totally. She could not understand the elusiveness of the state of readiness; a stage after reaching where she could say she had finally arrived. She could not understand the hydra-headedness of the fear; that no doubt egged her to higher stage of preparedness but never allowed her the basic urge of a lasting satisfaction. She had even started believing that life is a never-ending ‘preparedness-struggle’ for the elusive satisfaction of ‘readiness’…

The state of zero, the state of quintessential readiness, the state of unattached consciousness made her realize for the first time what wins all fears. It taught her to rise above the process of preparedness to the ultimate stage of readiness. She truly understood why she felt fearless. When it happens; all good and cherished ideals of humanity fall in your lap, they fill your being. It embodies all goodness – honesty, innocence, transparency, selflessness and egolessness and above all the compassion.

It does the magic…. It makes the willful merger of individualism into the collectivity; the individuality of ‘I’ dissolving into the collectivity of ‘us’. It fills the heart and mind with compassion and when compassion plays the music in the heart, all cherished ideals and goodness of humanity get drawn into the mind. The fear goes away the next moment as this happens. She thanked the almighty for making her understand the fear factor and its dynamics.

Readiness leads you to the door…. the entry point of zero but then, you have to step ahead to be into the zero. Every human being is blessed to attain this readiness as all human beings are given at least one chance to experience it.

To the blessed ones is revealed the music of compassion…

“… It leads one to the ultimate empowerment of self – the ability to forgive. When forgiveness becomes the first instinct, it is a sure sign that the stage of readiness has been attained. The forgiveness is attaining the blank, the zero, the ultimate empowerment, the readiness. You accept nothing - no pride, no self, no ego, no ‘I’ and you give everything as you forgive....”

… Thanks for your patience to go through the passage above.

Now, we come back to our question at hand. This metaphor about two key terms of life-living, in response to the milieus we all live in –

  1. Preparedness

  2. Readiness

These two elements of consciousness may be applied to marriages and their overall supposition of being a difficult terrain. It may help…

Ideally, falling in love is somehow option-less as it is instinctive. We are definitively wired to be in perpetuity of love. That is why, falling in love needs no readiness. It is beyond choice and conscious decision and that is why, almost everyone is in love or wishes to be in love. Being in love is akin to being in the stage of ‘preparedness’.

However, opting to get marriage is not visceral. It is always a conscious choice, unlike love. We all feel and accept that love happens, it is not done or made to happen. Marriage however, does not happen; it has to be made to happen. Definitively, marriage is the stage of ‘readiness’.

This preparedness and readiness dualism itself is the cause of our question – this disinclination towards marriage. We all are very well aware that even this instinctive love is so much infested with precarious emotions, unsettled behavior-action and often some inexplicable pains. This surely stands as a big factor to feel a strange ‘fear’ for the inevitability called marriage.

It is rather interesting that most young men and women seldom admit that they are averse to marriage. However, what they do is – ‘Procrastination Politics’. They all are finding enough implicit or explicit causes to procrastinate marriage decision.

This procrastination attitude itself points out to the fact that there is a lurking ‘fear-factor’ (about definitive ‘success’ of an ‘enterprise’), not only about love and marriages but also about many key decisions of life. This procrastination is the precarious personality positioning of a mind consciousness, which somehow stands trapped in ‘mismanagement of fears’. The young ones can handle ‘fear’ but they are procrastinating as this head-on desire to ‘manage fear’ is missing. We all know and accept that there is victory beyond fear, but the procrastination to step beyond it takes control.

If we begin to list cause for this procrastination attitude, there can be a list, which may be endless. However, the core causality is what the above metaphor about ‘preparedness’ and ‘readiness’ lists as.

I humbly repeat what has been said above – The ultimate empowerment of self, the definitive ‘readiness’ in life is – The Ability To Forgive. And, this is gender-neutral. No doubt, not only love and marriages, but in all our relationships, we and others can commit mistakes. We are all humans and we do err. However, we all need to arrive at the stage of ‘Readiness’ – This compassionate consciousness, which is empowered with the ability to forgive. Attitude towards success needs more compassion than attitude towards failures.

When forgiveness becomes the first instinct, it is a sure sign that the stage of readiness has been attained. The forgiveness is attaining the blank, the zero, the ultimate empowerment, the readiness. You accept nothing - no pride, no self, no ego, no ‘I’ and you give everything as you forgive....

As this happens, love is divine and marriage becomes this abode of resplendent readiness. As this happens, we all shall begin to accept that neither love, nor marriage, nor any relationship is the cause of trouble. The primary and core trouble is our own lack of ‘readiness’. We all need to arrive at the stage of ‘Readiness’ – This Compassionate Consciousness…

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CHAPTER 3

Since long, may be 5000 years back, the wise of humanity have kept reminding us of something core and cardinal to human lives and that is – there is a definitive cyclicality, an unavoidable causality between milieu and consciousness. This means, your consciousness is affected by change of tangible and intangible ‘elements’ in the milieu you live and the collective consciousnesses and unconsciousnesses in turn change the milieus…

This is the primary energy in all changes in individual thinking, perceptions as well as socio-cultural acceptance. If we accept this premise, we can decipher all emerging and established social and cultural norms and changes.

In contemporary social and cultural milieus of modern human living, it is being made out by psychologists as well as common people that trends in marriages are changing fast and younger generation is growingly being ‘averse’ to marriages, ‘commitments’ and ‘responsibilities’ in intimate relationships…

Now, if we accept the above-mentioned premise, we can also accept that such a notion is arguably just a ‘perception’, more being ‘made out’ than ‘actually is’. How and why?

Any perception, be it individual or social, is a precarious and ever-evolving mix of grains of truth and elements of illusions. Most ‘perceptions’ can therefore be termed as ‘Trullusions’ – mix of grains of truth and illusions. This happens because human brain has this natural mechanism to arrive at a judgment and decision, even when facts and concrete data for the same is not available. Such judgments are ‘perceptions’…

For a population of billions of young men and women all over the globe in different social and cultural milieus, it is impossible to have a truth and reality, based on concrete facts and data about marriages and intimate relationships among youth. What therefore comes out in media or in popular talks is varied forms of perception – ‘Trullusions’.

Like, even if we accept the data that 50% marriages end up in divorce in USA, it cannot be derived from this fact that people are growingly becoming averse to marriages. The issue of divorce involves many elements of personal and socio-cultural domains and therefore, for a holistic fact, all aspects must be presented with concrete data, which is never available…

The idea is; the assertion that young people are growingly becoming averse to marriages and are wary of ‘lasting commitments’ in intimate relationships, is essentially a ‘juicy slice’ out of the bigger fruit of contemporary consciousness in modern milieus. This is much like the ‘un-employability’ perception, we talked about earlier. This we need to talk about when we create perceptions about modern youth, their perceptions, their life-living choices, their mindsets and overall consciousnesses…

We all first need to accept – Modern age is the age of skepticism. Why and how?

The new millennium has heralded the crumbling of many old and established rules of life and living. In all domains of life-living, one thing, which has energized this skepticism is growing liberty and evolving empowerment of all minds, be it poor or rich, man or woman, high or low. The driver of this energy is science and technology, not ‘perceptions’. The energy of liberty and empowerment is expressed in the singular domain of ‘inquisitiveness’. An empowered and liberated person – man or woman, shall definitively do the common thing – that is, questioning everything, which he or she is faced with. This is because liberty and empowerment comes through energy of questioning the status quo…!

The entire idea of empowerment of modern people, especially the young is aimed at singular common desire – Excellence and brilliance. The young people are inquisitive, they are skeptical, they tear apart all status quoism because they are not willing to accept anything mediocre and ‘just okay’. This is something humanity must rejoice…

The contemporary youth must not be labeled as in ‘denial-mode’ of established currency. Rather, what they are doing is questioning the utility, worth and validity of all premises of old-established order, not exclusively for personal pride but also for singular attainment of ‘excellence’. Yes, it may be admitted that there are sure troubles with this contemporary youth attitude and the way it is handled.

Globally, most troubles of humanity are not because of corruption but because of mediocrity. Youth are only ‘averse’ to mediocrity. Because; for modern achievers of contemporary times; ‘just okay’ won’t do. Mediocrity is not acceptable. Only the optimum should and would do, if not the best…!

Somehow, this may be labeled as ‘seed-trouble’ of idea and idealism of ‘empowerment’. As this empowerment idea and idealism is new and still evolving, there are teething troubles, which are there but often, blown out of proportion…

So, if modern youth, especially the young women are skeptical about marriages, as they are in old-established mould, they are essentially just being inquisitive, for the sake of not ‘denial’ of marriages but for ‘excellence’ of marriages. They just are averse to the mediocrity, which marriages have generally been in human history. As contemporary marriages have come out of the old mould yet the new shape is still precarious, the skepticism of youth about utility and righteousness of marriage is only natural.

As we talked earlier, when men were the exclusive ‘employer’, they sought ‘excellence’ in ‘employees’ they wished to hire. Now that women have this new found status of turning into ‘employer’, she also does the same. Naturally, this age-old ‘market-dynamics’ of marriages have changed. There are employers and employees with different sentiments and attitudes than what it used to be. As there shall always be ‘perceptional-difference’ and ‘mindset-gap’ between employer and employee, the stress in marriage is bound to be there and even aggrandized. New mould of marriage is still evolving and the contemporary chaos looks like there but is surely transitional.

Naturally, this energy, its process and mechanism is not as ideally streamlined and as symmetrical, as one would desire but then, it is early days of this contemporary evolution towards excellence and fight against mediocrity.

The cardinal wisdom is – Modern youth shall have to see and accept that mediocrity has a rule and a pattern. Contemporary youth, who wish to avoid mediocrity and accept excellence in life and living need to see and accept that mediocrity creeps in, when we make choices and decisions in life, based on ‘perceptions’ and partial (sliced) truths and realism. Excellence is established when we make choices and decisions based on definitive data, factsheets and holistic perspectives.

Therefore, the very energy of skepticism must be directed against ‘perceptions’, ‘part truths’ and what we earlier mentioned as ‘Trullusions’. Skepticism should not stop till data and facts are arrived at…

Marriages, relationships, career, family, social behavior, all actions must never be decided on ‘Trullusions’ but singularly on definitive data and irrefutable facts. And, as we all live in a world, which is in big transition – remnants of old order still lingering and new social order still taking shape; the youth have to observe poise, patience and perseverance in their attitude and demeanor. When things are evolving, we have to be more wary of trullusions and wait patiently for new, objective facts to emerge.

Thankfully, in most societies, there are people, who are collating facts and coming up with quantitative realism in all walks of social life, which helps us shed populist perceptions. Marriages and their troubles are now not new and now we have enough facts to delve deep into the definitiveness of realism of marriages.

Current researches list that divorce rates are highest among couples in their 20s. By far the highest divorce rates have been among men and women aged 25-29. Almost half of divorces happen in the first 10 years of marriage, and the rate is especially high between the fourth and eighth anniversary.

The researches attempt to pin down the chief perpetrator of stress and strangulation of marriages. There are so many reasons and they may seem varied but when we zero down on the core common causes, some interesting but very predictable causes come up for conscious deliberation. As the causes are perceptible and common, this surely is the cause of celebration, for we all can skip those ‘troubles’ and enhance marital bliss and life span…

In the research, the common factors, that came up as chief elements responsible for divorce are –

  1. Most young ones, especially in their 20s are not sure of their own ‘self’. The key questions as what they want of their lives – especially in the long run or next ten years, what they think their personality and perspectives are, are still unanswered and this makes love and marriage precarious…

  2. Most men and women in their 20s do not know much about what love truly is and how it unravels in human minds. They are very much fascinated by the mysticism and marvel of love but uncertain about what love means and what love entails. Naturally, marriages also land in uncertain domain…

  3. Most men and women, even after 20s are unaware about what marriage means and what it takes to make marriages successful. The romantic ideas and love necessities are always on the front and marriage and its nuances are not discussed enough and properly…

A respondent in the research survey said – ‘I was too young to understand what marriage meant. In your 20s, you think you’re an adult and in control of your life, but you’re basically an idiot. You don’t have the self-knowledge you think you do.’

He added – There are learning which comes only after a disaster hits you. What I can accept and practice in my second marriage never even existed in my mind and probably I could never have accepted then. Now I do as, accepting something as first virtue is very tough but practicing them as secondary prudence is easy…

Another respondent stressed on the need and failure of communication, especially the forms that communication takes, before and after marriage. She says – ‘When I remarried, my main priority was to establish that I and my new husband could manage differences fairly and with compassion. I asked, are you open to talking about it? Could we be honest, and could we be vulnerable? Because that’s what everyone wants in a friendship. It’s also what everyone wants in a marriage. Not only was I not capable of that at 21, I didn’t even know it existed.’

Interestingly, a respondent raised a basic question. She said, ‘What is love? This was the most searched question on Google in 2012, followed in 2013 by what is twerking? There are probably as many answers as there are searches. One answer is that it might not be what we think it is, if we think about it at all. We never talked about whether we loved each other, or what love meant. We sort of unawaringly ran away from that question.’

Many respondents listed the importance of knowing ‘I’ or self well, before entering marriage. ‘Who are you? What do you want to do with your life? And what exactly are they?’, a respondent said. He said this question is not only for self but also for the person you love and wish to marry.

These questions reflect about the core personality of a person and while people can change a bit, the fundamental person is probably always still there. That is why, it is very important that you know the core personality of both well – yourself and the person you love and wish to marry…

That is why communication before marriage about the journeys ahead is crucial. Both man and woman must ask each other – What you want in the coming 10 years from now and how liberal or dogmatic you are about their attainment. The answers must be true and then both man and woman can clearly see what are common and compatible in them and what not, which can grow in time and invite disaster…

The simple idea is – Acquisition of knowledge is a troubling process, however, knowledge empowers truly and life’s core and critical enterprises like love and marriages should always follow the trajectory of knowledge and communication of this knowledge. No acquisition and attainment can have lasting worth and utility if not aligned with persevered enterprise.

To sum up things in a happy note, someone said, ‘Marriages may be made in heaven but so are thunders and lightening.’ Therefore, earthy prudence must never leave the heavenly postulations…

**



CHAPTER 4

So, this key element in readiness for all good things in life-living, more especially love and marriages is this element called communication. However, expression of intent, communication of conundrum of expression of intent; worst, the appropriate wording and grammar of the above, when faced with the urgency and situational optionlessness, is not only some artistry, which most people do not have and they are not even apologetic about. Rather, it is a genuinely and very definitively a science, very few people have mastered and crafted well. Why?

The first reason is – humanity has not yet admitted that a human is essentially a stupid mind consciousness, caught in a rather dubiously problematic body, both of which are the scary and scamming design of something scientists call a ‘stupid engineering’ – Yes, this evolution…!

Secondly, and more specifically, humanity has not yet accepted with humility and egolessness that expression and communication is not purely some artistry, rather a tough science. This is so because, expression of intent and communication of thoughts involves our brain mechanism and our brain is a stupid design and not a singular body but a precarious cooperative or summation of many part organs. Till humanity in general accepts that brain has its own limitations and expression is not only an ‘outgoing’ trouble but primarily an ‘incoming’ problem, communication shall remain as troubled as it is and resultantly, relationships shall remain cluttered and confounded…!

Let us understand this Incoming & Outgoing ‘im-Pression and ex-pression’ signaling system and spectrum scam of the human brain. This shall help in improving everything – all aspects of communication and intent-expression. Relationship success, especially in love is all about ‘conflict-resolutions’ between two people in love and communication is always the culprit. Better understanding of communication helps love and relationship intimacies…

At the very outset, most of us have this express need to see and accept the cardinal role of human language evolution in creation and evolution of our consciousness – This ephemeral but very universal sense of subjective ‘I’. Human cognition – this sense of seeing and accepting realism and judging right and wrong, is largely a subject and function of languages humanity has created and developed. The language we speak and write is very important tool for our brain to work out our cognitive world. We can simply say – A human with faulty and screwed up linguistic sense and system is almost like a beast, who shall not only make other’s life hell on this planet but also that of his or her own ‘self’.

Science confirms, human brain evolved to present stage of consciousness and cognition, primarily because at a point of time, it evolved and developed language system and linguistic skills. Or, in other words, human brain could evolve to such a point, where it could develop linguistic skills, which led to contemporary consciousness of humanity.

What you see, which conveys into your brain as neuron signals are useless for your cognition, unless you have learnt a commensurate word and its phonetic sound. The red apple you see is not what it is for you unless you already know two words and its sound – Red and Apple. In languages, sounds are more important than written things. Our brain mechanism recognizes sound first and then correlates it with picture images of eyes. Therefore, not only language, but words pronounced well and right is core and basic to our cognitive brilliance…

This cognitive world of languages and their connection with how we use the memories and experiences of our brain states is some huge knowledge, vast majority of humans do not even know, let alone accept it. Your brain, especially this vast space in subconscious mind states, stores almost billions of bits of information, which your five senses supply incessantly and also what your thought process inputs. The stored memories and experiences are your lifeline, not for excellence only but very survival. However, when you need a memory or experience to help you at times of need, you have to ‘recall’ them, from different layers of your brain/mind consciousness. This ‘recall’ mechanism works right and accurate only when you have stored them well in your brain and created right pathways for them to reach to you, when you ‘recall’ them. Often, the very ‘cue’ (the brain pathways), which brain accepts for ‘recall’ is so abstract and poorly constructed that either it does not get recalled at all. Or, it is recalled with vague and mixed up facts…

It is like, you go to a library and ask the librarian for a specific book. The librarian says that the book is very much there in the library but where it is stacked he does not recall well and so it may take some time. May be, many hours later, he gives you another book, which may be similar but not the same one. However, a smart librarian, who has catalogued his books well, shall recall within seconds that the said book is in second floor and in the third row of the fifth column of books. Within a minute, you shall find the book. It is all about smart stacking, efficient cataloguing and brilliant placement, which makes ‘recall’ happen in quick and good way. When the ‘cue’ is right, the ‘recall’ happens. If not then…!

It is all about how we stack and catalogue our memories, experiences, learning and information in our brain. This smart stacking and cataloguing is a function of how brilliantly we have mastered the language we speak and write, especially the spoken language. Wrong spellings, wrong pronunciation, wrong handwritten stuff and we mesh up the ‘cue’ and ‘recall’. That is why, expression of intent and communication of thoughts is poorly available to most of us as we all have not yet accepted that language and its good learning is core element of our cognition and consciousness…

Tragically, in modern times and in contemporary cultures, language learning is at its worst. How people speak, write and pronounce are virtual nightmare for most of us. Modern technology has only aggravated our linguistic slavery and stupidities. A survey says, average American uses only 24 words in his daily life. Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 6000 words. Even these 24 words are not meaningful words as more than half the vocabulary out of this 24 are slangs, sexual abuses and cuss words. It surely is not cool to say ‘cool’ as answer to every question you are asked. Humans are stupid pool of emotions and every shade of emotion needs different mode of expressions. In absence of such a communication skill, relationships become conflicted.

It is surely not rocket science to see and accept as why expression of intent, communication of conundrum of expression of intent; worst, the appropriate wording and grammar of the above, when faced with the urgency and situational optionlessness, is the prime and universal trouble for many young men and women. The corollary of this trouble reflects very poorly on the ability of average young men and women to even see and accept realism. Poor and bad linguistic abilities have affected the very storage of memories and experiences in brains. Naturally, recall is vague, abstract and impossibly out of target. This rather engenders poor cognition abilities and abstracted consciousnesses. This leads to life-living decisions based on trullusions, not facts.

The contemporary times have seen growing ‘incoming’ trouble of this storage of ideas. Naturally, the ‘outgoing’ signals are also bad and poor. As the ‘Im-pression’ is faulty and scammed’, the ‘Ex-pression’ is only suitably more scammed and scary…

Communication is critical element in all aspects of life-living wellness. As marriage is at the very core of everyone’s wellness spectrum, artistry of communication happens to be very important for success of marriage. Then, we all must also accept that communication is not only about expressions through languages we speak. Communication is about how the ‘self’, this very consciousness of ‘I’ stands to relate with everything in our milieu – both internal and external. Expression of self, communication with self and its relation with milieus are important personal readiness for men and women. Before you are ready and qualified, it is stupidity to enter the domain of love and marriage. Most human enterprises fail because of this stupidity of ‘I’, which the self is adamant to validate as intelligence. This we need to unlearn…

**



CHAPTER 5

The person, you Love, has to be in perfect and profound wellness poise, otherwise, he or she shall never be in a consciousness of complete and perfect assimilation and integration, which love’s mutuality shall demand. Moreover, marriage is far more and deeper domain of consciousness collaboration.

The person, you love is not some other subject or object you think you hold dear and like. The fact is – the person you love is essentially the image of your own subject, your own self or consciousness, seeking another medium than your own body-mind to extend its domain. This is the expression of your intangible homeostasis need. It is therefore only natural that he or she, whom you love, has to be a willing and highly navigable media, for easy and smooth assimilation into your ‘self-image’.

When two people in love are two brilliant, settled, poised, navigable, compassionately accommodative and malleable ‘media’, it shall be smooth and systemic assimilation of the two ‘selfs’ and two shall finally evolve to become one singular and symmetrical consciousness. This is the true success of love.


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