Excerpt for Hundred Ways to F & F Your Popularity by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

Hundred Ways to F&F Your Popularity


By Hiranya Borah

Copyright 2018 Hiranya Borah

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Introduction: A Humorous Analogy

In this book, I intend to give you some humorous insight to our daily life without demeaning any group of people or any social relations.

In everyone’s life, at least once, one has to face the experience of uttering or hearing these two sentences: You are killing me! Or, you are going to kill me! If you are uttering these sentences more than hearing, then you have to learn from this book, the art of killing or just art of kidding. If you have already acquired the habit of hearing those two sentences quite often from others, you need not have to read this book to learn anything from me, but you can read this book to advise me, how I can improve my book for my students, who whole heartedly want to be unpopular and hear those sentences from others. In that case, I may also appoint you as a teacher in my school, ‘Art of Killing’ or ‘Art of Kidding’, if you wish to join me in my endeavour to make some people more unpopular than the others. Hopefully, you will be master of souring your relation with your relatives, friends, teachers, students, colleagues, bosses and subordinates after going through this book.

I have given some tips how to force the other person to utter ‘Oh my God, you are killing me’ or similar sentences through your effortless and seemingly innocent activities.

Knowing fully well that you are a very busy person (may be busy for nothing), in the last chapter, I have given some tips which you can memorise to become unpopular among different groups of people without reading my whole book.

Originally I thought to give the name of the book as ‘Art of killing’ and then I discarded the name as I have a kind of allergy with the word ‘killing’. Then I replaced ‘killing’ by ‘kidding’. However, I feel ‘kidding’ will not also be a proper representative word of the chapters in the book. Finally, I introduced the last chapter, ‘Few Tips to become unpopular’ and decided to give the name of the book as ‘Hundred (Many) Ways to Become Unpopular’. Then finally, I have decided to give a sexy name for the book as, ‘Hundred Ways to F&F Your Popularity’. Here F & F may be Flaunt and Flourish or may be Flout and Finish or may be Fudge and Finish or any words you can suggest which according to you is deemed fit for the book, after a thorough reading the whole book.

The book have been divided into different chapters on the basis of some fundamental relations barring the last one. In the last chapter, all the relations are put together to have an overview of ‘dos’ and ‘do nots’ in our daily dealings with closely related and with other unrelated people to become unpopular.

Finally, I request all my readers to please keep in mind that, what I am advising (sorry, suggesting) you to do in this book, if you add only a ‘not’ or ‘no’ in most of the tips, it will be your father’s advices to become a good human being. While going through the book, you may identify some of your mistakes while dealing with people. If one can avoid those mistakes, one can be a popular person and make your near and dear happy. So it is up to you whether you want to add a ‘not’ or ‘no’ in all my tips or just take ‘as it is’ as given in my book. Some repetitions in the last chapter with some other chapters are intentional to make myself an unpopular writer.

The background and examples given in the book are fictitious and any resemblance is mere coincidence only.

The book is dedicated to all my relatives including my wife, son, daughters and other people including my bosses, colleagues, subordinates and teachers.

I take the opportunity to thank Smashwords for publishing the book in their platform.


Chapter I: Identification of Relation with Relatives

Before you become unpopular amongst all your relatives, identification of them is very important. Therefore, in this chapter, I am trying to help you in identifying the relatives or the persons having some relation with you and I try to help you in making yourself the most unpopular person amongst your relatives and your peer groups. Afterwards, I shall try to give some tips of one to one relation to become unpopular with individual relative(s) instantly.

Yes, I am writing something trivial and true reflection of our beloved and hated relatives around us. As we all have been blessed with relatives, the moment we came out of the cosy wombs of our mothers, we have to live with them with love or with hatred. As we grew up, we love/ hate our relatives as per our own convenience (you may argue on this point) and absolutely not with their convenience. The more you grow, your group of known persons are also growing exponentially and therefore, number of loved ones and hated ones will also grow exponentially.

Let us start our journey with a story:

I was a Guest of a State Government to deliver few lectures on finding inspirations from our own colleagues in our daily lives. While I was telling how we can take inspiration from good colleagues and true friends, one young gentleman asked, ‘Sir you are talking about taking inspiration from colleagues and friends; but you have not mention about relatives. Is it a deliberate omission or just forgot to mention?’

‘Yes, it is a deliberate omission. None of us is inspired by our relatives, other than by our own fathers or mothers, in a positive way.’

‘No sir, I disagree with you. I am always inspired by my uncle, my father’s younger brother. My father was a Clerk and my uncle is a direct recruit group B officer. I was always inspired by my uncle’s achievement and in due course of time, I have been able to become a direct recruit Group-A officer of my State Government. I am also always truthful to myself that I could not have done it without taking inspiration from my uncle.’

He disagreed my opinion outright.

With a smile, I asked the young officer, ‘Please tell me truthfully, how many times your uncle had told you to become a direct recruit officer and how many times your father had told you to study sincerely so that you can be a bigger officer than your uncle.’

The young officer thought for a moment and said, ‘My uncle had never told me to study seriously but my father used to tell every second day till I was selected for this post.’

‘Thanks for telling the truth. It is your father, whose jealousy for his younger brother (he is an unpopular person among his relatives who are less successful than him), pushed you to achieve the milestone what your father or for that matter, your uncle could not achieve. Therefore, I said, none of us is inspired by our relatives, other than by own father or mother, in a positive way. Unfortunately, without your conscious knowledge, you are all-along inspired by a negative thought. Looking at the mental agony of your father of not being an officer like his younger brother, you told to yourself every day to achieve something better than your uncle. Fortunately, for you and more importantly, for your father it was a great moral victory. I am sure, your uncle while congratulating you, felt extremely dejected from the core of his heart on the day of your selection to a Group-A post. I am sure on that account, he told to his children to achieve something more than, what you have achieved on that day. In the process, you became the most unpopular person in his family as on today and surpassing your uncle in the unpopular chart of your entire close family.’

There was a silence in the room for some time. I noticed few drops of tears in the eyes the young officer, the tears for his satisfaction to wipe out the agony of his father for few decades.

However, I term the agony of his father as only jealousy of his father towards his younger brother. But I decided not to hurt the sentiment of the young officer, knowing fully well, he has, without any bad intention, ignited a fire of jealousy in the hearts of many of the relatives including the family members of his uncle. (I preferred to be a popular person in the eyes of the young officers present there. But if you want to be unpopular speaker, you should tell what bitter truth that has come to your mind at that time without any filtration by using some sugar coated words.)

‘Though my topic for discussion was different, I shall try to analyse some of the issues evolved around our relatives.’ I paused for a moment and started to talk on the issues associated with our relatives.

Basically there are two types of relatives in our life, one by birth and another through our marriages. Both have advantages and disadvantages. Some of the qualities are common for both types of relatives and some are diametrically opposites. I do not want to go into detail into the advantages and disadvantages of these relatives.

However, I must have to mention here one thing which hopefully everyone will agree that both have one common quality, both always avoid relatives who are worse off than them and take maximum advantage from the better off relatives.

Though, if you are successful, all your relatives want to take advantages from you or make a point to mention your name before their peer groups, they will never love you; in extreme cases, they may even hate you.

Please do not be offended, this is true for me as well. But what I am saying here, if you mention what you feel about them before those successful persons and at the same time if you seek help from them as well, you may earn the most unpopular tag within a very short time among those relatives and you will be able to force your relatives to shut their doors on your face.


Hotel lobby of any Five Star hotel is a place where you can pass your time without any work for hours looking at the beautiful and successful people of the society. Whenever, I have an opportunity to sit in a Five-Star hotel lobby as guests of the hotel or as a guest of a guest of the hotel, looking at the guests and the visitors, I always feel happy. A positive feeling goes to my head. It appears to me, all of them are successful persons in their own domains. I never felt any jealousy about them; probably, because I do not know any of them.

We never, feel jealous about a person, whom we do not know. Let me give one example, all of us (all Indians except who are close relatives and some fellow players) love cricket maestro Sachin Tendulkar. He is a great inspiration for the budding cricketers across the country. But I cannot say whether close relatives or close associates of Sachin Tendulkar love him equally with a common cricket fan of India. I am sure, he is also a thorn in the flesh for some of his close relatives.

In my opinion (you have every right to disagree), for every successful person, there are hordes of disgruntling relatives, though in front of him/ her none will show their jealousy and behind him/ her, everyone wants to associate his/her name for their own benefits.

By saying this, I may be an unpopular person for all of you.


Siblings may be the best friends and may be the worst enemies. I need not have to give many examples on this, like killing of brothers for property, sending brothers and sisters on false cases to jails and so on.

However, I would like to give one example of a friend who told something very scary about brother-sister relation. The younger sister of that gentleman (as per his version) told his wife about his past in a negative way and informed his physical short-comings to his fiancée before his marriage. After his marriage, she tried all sorts of ways and means to break his marriage and when she failed to do so, she told each and every relative, how arrogant, unhelpful he became after his marriage.

Though she had never mind to mention his name to get some due/ undue advantages from someone known to the gentleman, she used to write stories about the gentleman showing him in an extreme bad light. Even after doing so much damage for his brother, she had never mind to seek any type of help from her brother at the slightest pretext.

As an elder brother, though he was hurt, he never complained to anyone thinking that his sister is jealous about his success in academic and social life. But how many brothers can tolerate such type of audacity from their younger sisters?

I do not know who is more unpopular for each other. But I am sure, none would have figured in the list of popular person in their lives.


Jealousy is one factor which eclipses all other factors of a bad relation amongst the relatives. I have given in the earlier paragraph, one example where a bad relation emanates out of cheer jealousy of a sister to her successful brother.

Take this example of Mr Arora. His son has an important job in the Government of India and he leaves for his office at 8-30 AM and seldom returns home before 7-30 PM. Being son of a small time businessman, he does not have a Godfather in the Government. He has to work twice than his counter parts with better family backgrounds to get his normal promotion etc.

But due to jealousy, most of the relatives, of his family accuse him of being arrogant, proud and unhelpful. They always try to keep distance from him whenever he needs any help. But like the sister mentioned in the earlier paragraph, the relatives of Arora never think twice to mention his name for getting any service at any office. Some of the relatives also took financial help from Arora only to forget about his timely help conveniently.


If you are in a relation with another person, there is high degree of possibility that you are a happy person. But the moment he or she becomes a relative, chances of growing a bad relation are quite high.

I have come across many good friends of decades became scorn enemies after they had become relatives through some matrimonial alliances (e.g. son of a friend gets married daughter of a close friend). We as social animals, we sometime succumb to peer pressure to go for a matrimonial relation with our friends, sometimes these relations become a strong bond between the two families also, but again I have to say, sometimes it goes horribly wrong.

Those who marry their respective girlfriends admit (sorry my wife was not a girlfriend of mine), the relation before their marriage was far better than at the present as their respective wives.


How you can develop a bad relation with your relatives, at least from your own side? Consider all your relatives as your acquaintances only. That will help you many ways. First, you will never expect any help (including financial) from them even when you need at an urgent and compelling situation. Once you can stop that tendency from your side, you are free to decide whether you are going to help him/ her or not when he/she may seek help (including financial) from you. One can avoid a relative who is a habitual help seeker, by reminding him/her earlier promise not to seek any help from you. No doubt you will be becoming a very unpopular person among your relatives in due course of time by following this piece of advice from me.

A few tips to maintain a situation where you are going to be one of the most unpopular person amongst your relatives:

1. Always ask money from all the relatives with or without any pressing compulsion.

2. Always ask all sorts of help (including financial) from all the relatives.

3. Try to maximise your visits to all the relatives’ home. Preferably you go with or without invitation at the time of some celebration and never visit them at the time of their distress.

4. If any of your relatives ask for any financial help, always say a ‘no’ to him/her; if at all you have to give, give an amount which is much lower than the amount he/ she asks for. And always remind about the loan you have given to him/ her; specially, never forget to remind it before presence of other relatives of both of you during a social gathering. I am sure he/she will never ask for the second loan. If however, he is also an incorrigible person like me and ask for a second loan, as soon as he/ she asks for the second loan, you refuse to give another loan unless the first loan is returned. He /she will sever his/her relation with you. That may be always good for you. But in the process you will be able to acquire the status of an unpopular person amongst your relatives.

5. However, helping for a genuine cause, like extending your help to a child of a poor relative for his/her higher studies, need not have to be seen in the above perspective. If one is in a position to help, one should help a needy relative for a noble cause, like doing to a needy acquaintances. Even after helping a relative under the above condition, will not bolster your chance to come out of unpopular tag, if you follow first three steps you have already taken. In other words, if you want to be real unpopular, you should not extend your helping hand to a person/ relative who deserves your help genuinely.

6. If you come to know that a relative or a group of relatives are spreading rumours or nasty publicity about you, you should not ignore but if possible, feel great. However, it is your bounden duty to call them and to give a mouthful of abuses, so that your unpopularity sores to achieve a milestone what none of your relatives ever achieved that height of unpopularity. Always remember, unless you are better off than those relatives, they will never discuss about you at your back. Always thank God for making you better than your relatives in all aspects of life and always try to maintain your unpopular status till your death.

7. Always criticise all the relatives behind their back irrespective of their position vis a vis your position. If someone is worse off than you, you never forget to make fun of him/ her. If possible you do it in a social gathering. If he/she is better off than you, you criticise behind his/ her back without fail. Spread rumour against those who are better off than you. But never admit before others that he /she is better than you on any aspect.

8. If some of your relatives, inform you that someone is telling something against you, actually he/ she also endorses the view of the relatives about whom he/she was referring. Do not trust him/ her, but hear him/her patiently and tell him to convey your reply to the reporting person. He/ she will get the answer against what he/she wants to convey to you by taking others name. However, I am not suggesting the line of actions to be taken by you as above to become popular but to facilitating flow of information what others think about you. But if you want instant unpopularity, you can utter these words also, ‘Why you are taking others name? Don’t have you the courage to tell anything against me in front? I damn care what you are saying. Do not show your ugly face again to me.’

But as a cunning person, I would not advise you for uttering those lines to the hapless relative; instead you can say to him/ her, ‘Why you are taking others name? Don’t have you the courage to tell anything against me in front? However, I am not considering you as my enemy and therefore, I pardon you for your audacity; so long you pass on comments made by --- against me in any social gatherings in my absence.’ With these types of sentences, you can make many foes

9. Do not treat all the relatives equally as far as possible. Always treat the financially solvent parties well as they are not expected to ask for any help from you and on the other hand (if at least you think so) they may extend their help to you, whenever you feel it necessary. Treat those relatives like street dogs only, who are not economically sound and are not expected to help you in future; but are expected only to seek help from you. If however, anybody dares to ask for a loan from you, never loosen your strings of the coffer but let loose your tongue to the extreme limit so that they will never think even for asking for a loan in the rest of their lives. In one sentence, always treat differently on the basis of financial and social status of your relatives. Hopefully, in the process, you will be one of the most unpopular person among the economically weak relatives.

10. Finally, always keep in your mind that someone being your relative is absolutely not in your hand; but keeping a good or bad relation is in your hand up to some extent. Therefore, always treat all the relatives differently for all practical purposes. In that case, you may likely be more prone to heart burn from jealousy for other relatives’ success or less likely to be prone to hurt by criticism from the lesser successful relatives.

In the following chapters I shall try to give some tips which will definitely help you to become an unpopular person amongst the relatives who may be your closest relatives before acting on my advices.

Chapter II: Mother and Son

The relation between son and mother is the closest among all the relations barring father and daughter. In most of the cases, mother is at the receiving end in the tug of war of emotional blackmail. It all started from the day one of the relationship. When he is only one day old, a mother says, ‘Your eyes are so beautiful, they are killing me!’ or ‘You are so cute, you are killing me, my son!’

When he is six month old, he starts crawling and today morning he trampled his mother’s best sari/ dress /gown with muddy hands and knees, she would scream, ‘Oh my darling, you have killed me!’ But he smiled back and he sat on the sari / dress/ gown more comfortably and to his mother’s delight he started tapping the sari/ dress / gown with his dirty palms. Instead of being angry, the young mother picked him up in her arms and rubbed his cheeks with her nose and told him, ‘you are killing me, my sweetheart!’

However, for the same types of activities a mother of five year old son will admonish him instead of saying ‘You are going to kill me’ with love, she will admonish, ‘if you do it next time you will be --- or she may utter, ‘you have decided to kill me like your incorrigible father!’.

When a mother of teenager sees her son taking cigarettes or wine, his mother would say, ‘You are going to kill me’ or ‘you are killing me’ with a different tone and tenor which is different from those sentences told earlier. I shall be not surprised if she actually faints.

When a mother, in her opinion, has to see or observe something worse than any activity done/ performed by her son as stated above, can invite the same type of reactions from her. For instance, when she sees with horror that her son is kissing her maid or he is in a compromising position with the maid or he brought a damsel as his wife who belongs to a class which is not at par with the social or monetary status of her family, she utters those sentences with disgusts. Or when she gets the news from someone else that her son fails for the seventh time in the same class, she utters those sentences. Or if she meets a girl claiming that she is carrying a child from her son studying in the same college, she virtually faints after uttering those lines! All those activities forced a mother to utter those sentences with lot of seriousness. Her utterings may be followed by scolding, sobbing and so on.

So you can understand a poor mother has the opportunity to utter the sentence ‘You are killing me’ hundred times for her beloved son. If he is the only son, he forces his mother more often to utter these two sentences than those who are not in the group of ‘only child’ or ‘only son’ category.

What about the chance that a son has to utter the dreaded sentence to his mother, ‘Mom you are killing me’ in his life? Normally, it is much less compared to his mother uttering those sentences.

Most of the sons get the chance of uttering these sentences for the first time when he becomes a teenager. Take this example: one day he tells his mother that if his friends come to his house she is not supposed to ask these questions --------- to them. But she does exactly that. Then the poor son for the first time utters, ‘Mom, you are killing me’.

He gets another chance when, on his birth day, she prepares something which could not be relished by his friends.

Again he gets a chance, when he confides his mother that he scored very badly in mathematics paper and requested his mother not to inform his father about that. But, his mother yelled and told his father about his marks as soon as his father enters home after coming from his office.

Finally, he tells these words when his mother shows his girlfriend or newlywed wife his naked photographs when he was less than three year old. Or, she told his girlfriend or newlywed wife about his bad habit of wetting bed till he was seven!

But all these situations, except those with serious consequences, never spoil his relation with his mother or vice versa, rather those situations become good memory for both of them after sometime.

I do not want to share any comments uttering those sentences made by a mother or by her son which have serious repercussions in their relation in this chapter. Even if I do not want to tell anything on that, all of you are aware that after marriage of the son these sentences are uttered quite frequently by both the sides. Some of these activities have long lasting effects in their relations.

A few tips for a son to force his mother to utter those dreaded sentences not having serious repercussions are listed below.

Make a most recent haircut and show it when your mother is with her best friend criticising a son of their common friend/ foe for his recent Ronaldo (2002) type haircut.

Break a utensil / glass ware which was given to your mother by your grandmother (obviously from mother’s side) just before her death.

Tell your father that your mother had secretly lent an amount to her sister which was originally kept for his (father’s) sister.

You dump a curry with a bad taste, but according to your mother the curry is extremely good for health, in the dustbin and told your mother that you have finished the curry fully. But mother suspected something fishy and found that her suspicion was correct.

Call your friend for a dinner and forget to tell your mother till it is 7 PM.

You score low marks compared to your cousin, son of your aunty from your father’s side, who passed last year’s board examination.

You lose a golden ring, which was your last year’s birth day gift from your grandmother (mother’s mom).

Let your mother over hear that you love your grandmother (father’s mother) more than her mother.

Praise the gifts received from your father’s side in front of your mother.

Praise your relatives from your father’s side in front of your mother.

If you follow all the above tips properly and execute those with all sincerity, you will be a master of ‘art of killing’, but not necessarily unpopular in the eyes of your mother.

While on a visit to someone else’s home, you eat everything that your mother said to the lady host that you do not like and are not taking those stuff at all.

Play and break some dolls while visiting a neighbour’s house.

Some tips may be again shared in the last chapter of the book, particularly for the sons and for the mothers after their sons’ marriages.

Chapter III: Father and Son

A father sees his childhood in his son. But he is the man who does not want to see the negative points of his childhood in his son’s face or in his activities. For example, father was very weak in mathematics; he thinks his son should not be weak in mathematics. On the other hand, he wants to see all his positive points with fare degree of enhancement in his son’s activities. Suppose, the father used to have a lover boy image in his college days. He expects his son should also carry the lover boy image along with a good score in mathematics. But his son is not able to carry the lover boy image, but have a low score in mathematics, then the father has no alternative but to utter the dreaded sentence, ‘you are going to kill me’. Or before his wife he would utter, ‘your son (not my son) is going to kill me’.

Wife may also retort with equal amount of venom in her voice, ‘His mathematics is as bad as yours which is going to kill me every time he gets a score card on mathematics. But fortunately, he is not a character loose person (lover boy image of her husband in the college is nothing but an image of a character loose person from his wife’s perspective) like you which saved my life for the time being!’

Wife’s snubbing makes her husband speechless.

A father does not mind, if he see his son is kissing a maid (as he also did at that age). Even he will not mind, rather may be happy, if he witnesses his son is in a compromising position with a girl which he could not do before his marriage with anybody despite of his best efforts. But he will definitely utter those words, when he is in that position with his neighbour’s wife or with his maid and his teenage son bumps into the bed/ drawing room where he has been in action for the last one hour. Similarly, when a girl claims, she is carrying a child from his son or something like that, he will definitely utter those words.

Let us discuss some lighter situations.

A businessman father screams those sentences when his son comes with a business proposal which, according to him, is definitely going to fail.

A number fathers have the habits of uttering those sentences when their sons use to score low marks in the board examination compared to the sons of his relatives or friends, particularly from their in laws’ side. Normally, conveniently they forget that they had never scored even what their sons are able to score.

When a good son says he will marry a good girl without dowry, his greedy father tells this sentence with disgust. Sometimes, he even goes on to declare that his son will be thrown out of his home if his son actually decides to marry that poor but good girl.

If a father, who always advocates for widow marriage in public and his only son wants to follow his father’s public advice in letter and spirit, the hypocrite father will utter those sentences. He will try his best to persuade his son to abandon the idea of marrying a widow. If his son sticks to his decision, the hypocrite father will utter those sentences more than thousand times.

Ok, enough serious talks take place by the time; now let us discuss some humorous situations.

Take this example: A son gave his father’s telephone number to his girlfriend for any emergency situation as his mobile was not working on a particular day. Unfortunately, the girlfriend by mistake sent a lewd message at midnight to his father thinking that it was his boyfriend’s number. After opening the mailbox of his father’s mobile, his mother thought otherwise and erupted with anger. With a broken hand and heavy bandage on his head, when his father came to know later on that his son and his girlfriend were the real culprits for his misfortune, he uttered those sentences with anger. His wife might have also apologised to her own mother for her instant reactions, not exactly for her behaviour but thinking that she had to look after the needs of her husband due to his injury. However, his wife also felt very happy for sending a strong message unwittingly to her husband for any future eventuality.

I do not want to repeat the story about the poor father, who is still in a hospital, when his son disclosed before his mother that, his father was on the top of the neighbourhood aunty without cloths when his mother was away.

When a son utters those words for his father? These are some examples (mostly those are told before his mother in absence of his father):

When a son comes to know that his father tells his (son’s) friends about some instances of his foolishness and he requests his mother to tell his father not to repeat those loose talks in future with his friends; and but as a good father always repeats those acts without much care for his complaining son or for ever complaining wife, the son has little option but to utter those sentences.

When a son discovers that his father knew about a secret, which he earlier thought his father was not aware of, he exclaims these sentences. Sometimes those revelations come after decades, even sometimes decades after death of his beloved father.

Few tips for a son to master the art of forcing his father to utter those sentences, are listed below.

When your father reaches home after attending whole day office, you tell him that you need a set of drawing pens and pencils for tomorrow’s drawing test. If he advises to use old pencils you blow a tantrum which your mother passively supports you as his (not her) son to add a pinch of salt in his injury.

Send a sms from your hostel to your father that you need more money after receiving a huge amount of money last week from your father. After sending the amount, your father comes to know that you are going to throw an un-necessary party to your equally spoiled friends. What that poor fellow can do except uttering those sentences!

Refuse to marry the girl on a flimsy ground whom your father has selected for you.

You leave your board examination midway and inform your father through a common acquaintance that you have dropped out from the examination.

You telephone to your father that you met an accident with your father’s brand new car despite of the fact that your father had warned you beforehand not to take the new car but to take the old vehicle to your college.

You tell your mother that you saw your father was talking to a lady for fifteen minutes over phone when she was not around.

Tell your mother that your father has deposited a huge amount of money in his sister’s account.

Tell your mother that in her absence his father hosted a party to his hard core friends till midnight. To spice up the issue, you may tell the names of his female friends who had also attended the party.

While going to school your father had given a lift to his neighbour’s wife and he told you not to report to your Mom. But you do exactly that with one additional sentence, ‘Papa told me not to tell you.’ You observe your father’s face. It will be full of anger with helplessness.

I bet you, your father will utter those words with lot of intensity while visiting to a doctor with some fractured bones.

A son can be a master in putting his father in a position to utter those sentences even at the age of 30. Take this example, you are in an undefined relationship with a lady. You are not sure whether the girl loves you or not. Your father has also no reservation about the girl. But all the time you say to your father that you are not in a relationship with the girl. Your father is an experienced war horse in that field. He indirectly advised you many a times to propose the girl to arrive at a logical end. But neither have you had the guts to propose the girl fearing losing of a good friend nor are you leaving the girl for another new girl as life partner. When your father insists for a quick decision, first you blame him for not giving any concrete proposal. When your father gives you a detailed concrete proposal, you just tell him, ‘I cannot rely on your decision making capability, because of ---- (you are giving one example which has no relevance with the marriage proposal)’. Your poor father will not have any alternative but to murmur those sentences with lot of disgusts.

Suppose, you are already married, even then you can give sufficient trouble to your father in a different manner so that he can utter those sentences. Let us take the following instance.

Your wife is in the maternity ward. Your parents and your in laws are also waiting outside the ward. But you are nowhere to be seen. Then, you tell your father over phone that your friends forced you to join them for a picnic party, some hundred KM away from the hospital where your wife has been hospitalized. Finally you arrive at the hospital just before her release with her new born, as if you are the busiest person in this world. When your father scolds you, just tell him, ‘I am not a doctor. Have you done something sitting outside the ward? As far as I know, nobody is allowed to the maternity ward except nurses and doctors. By the way, what you were doing outside maternity ward?’ One can only imagine what that poor old fellow will reply to your query?

Old aged fathers also can be a spoiler of his son’s all good activities by his unsolicited comments and acts. Take this example.

When I visited one of my eighty plus uncles recently at his residence, he complained about his son that his son, who happened to be a bank officer posted at another city of the same state, had not visited him for the last two years. I was somewhat disappointed with my cousin for his recent apathy for his old father who had lost his wife a decade ago. But my disappointment turned into a big surprise when another uncle who is residing only a half mile away from that particular eighty plus uncle, told me that my cousin had visited his father only two days prior to my visit.

Take the earlier example when a son can be a master in putting his father in a position to utter those sentences even at the age of 30. Now, please think the story in the following sequence. You are aware that your 30 year old son is in an undefined relationship with a lady. He is not sure whether the girl loves him or not. You have also no reservation about the girl. But all the time you repeat to your son that he should propose the girl even though you know that he wants some more time. Then, your poor son will not have any alternative but to murmur those sentences with lot of disgusts.

Similarly, when your son’s wife is hospitalized for some serious ailment, you give a long lecture how to nurse her, though your son knows that, when your wife (his mother) was hospitalized a few decades ago when he was a kid, in one or other pretext how you had avoided nursing her and you had passed on all your duties to your in laws.

These are only few examples. You can add any number of examples through which as a son or as a father, you can sour your relationship with your father/ son.

Chapter IV: Mother and Daughter

When an unmarried daughter of eighteen years informs over telephone that she is pregnant, the mother of the teen ager is likely to faint. But before that, she may utter in a semi-audible voice, ‘you have killed me!’

The above case is an extreme example; hope no mother has to experience that.

Mother is normally habituated in using these sentences quite frequently due to some activities of her daughter. So even if a daughter is not a master of art of killing/ kidding, she can attract this sentence quite often from her finicky mom.

When a daughter without consulting her mother made a bob-cut by trimming her waist long beautiful hair, a mother has no alternative but to scream those sentences.

Getting fewer marks in examination is itself enough reason for a deadly screaming by a mom, but if she comes to know that her daughter gets even less marks than that of the daughter of Mishrajee, who has been working under her husband in the same office for the last twenty years.

Most of the mothers are very sensitive about the look, marks and manners of their daughters. Pull the string on any of these issues, they will definitely utter those words without any hesitation.

Some of my advices to the daughters are as follows: (However, the list is only exemplary not exhaustive; you can do any other experiment at any appropriate time and situation.)

Praise cookery skill of your Aunt (obviously from your father’s side) before your mom.

Tell your mother at around 10 PM that you need an extra large napkin to join in a race competition next morning knowing that your mother has not been using those for the last one year.

Always try to score less marks than your cousin (Oh I am sorry, you are always doing that effortlessly) from your father’s side. You can do that with your neighbours’ daughters as well or with the daughter of your mom’s best friend or worst foe. You can extract those sentences with more intensity by getting less marks than the daughter of the gorgeous PA attached to your father.

You choose your boy friend or fiancée who has no income or less income than your mother’s expectations.

You choose the groom chosen by your paternal side over the choice of your maternal side.

Colour your hair without permission of your mother that too with pink or red colour just before a family function.

Tell your father that your mother has paid a huge amount of money, (if possible do it by adding a zero after the actual figure), to her brother.

Tell your mother that you have lost the shawl which was bought by your mom’s father/ brother from Europe.

Colour the white favourite scarf of your mother to red one.

Report to your father about misuse of debit/ credit card in his absence.

Finally, you spoil the sari your mother always adores, beyond repair, on your annual day school function.

Those given above are of course not of serious nature. Should I add some instances of serious nature?

Tell your father about your mother’s doubtful relationship with your uncle/ neighbour.

Tell to your mother about your brother’s illicit relationsip with a married lady without verification and later on it comes out to be a wrong information on your part due to lack of understanding or wrong deciphering a message meant for others.

Passing similar wrong information about your father to your mother may also extract those words from your mother after hitting your father mercilessly.

Chapter V: Father and Daughter

A divine relation may be marred by utterance of that dreaded sentence by a father most frequently sometimes with happiness, sometimes with fair chance of worry and few times with full of anger (hopefully not). I shall try to touch upon only the lighter side when a father or his daughter utters these sentences.

From day one on her arrival she makes a point, her every action is potential to kill the father with ease. Every innocent smile is killing her father, and the father is waiting with eternal happiness to be killed.

She is only two year old and the father is ready to go for an important meeting, she pisses on your shirt and starts crying. The father also wants to cry, but he cannot do that. Then the father has to utter those sentences.

Father told his daughter of seven year that he would pick up her from school. He was late by a minute or two, and daughter left the school with her friend. She reached home safely but the hapless father was looking for her frantically till he got a phone call from his wife accusing him for not picking up their daughter from the school in time. Then he had no option but to utter those sentences.

When she become a teenager, her every movement is silently observed by her father. Any deviation from the routine one invites those sentences from her father.

All the daughters utter these sentences quite often when fathers fart loudly and their daughters are near about.

She utters those words when her father shows her naked photographs as a toddler to her children or father tells her kids about some embarrassing situations she had created long back when she was young.

With all those hair raising utterances from both sides, both of them like company of each other at any time and everywhere.

Few tips to our daughters to force fathers to utter those sentences:

Bring a kitten to your home, when you know that your father is dead against to keep a pet in the house.

Break his mobile phone while playing candy crush with your friend.

Tell your father to pick up from a particular place and do not show your face even after half an hour from the appointed time.

Do not pick up your phone when father is frantically try to contact you as you kept the phone on silent mode. Afterwards, with a cool voice tell him that it was on silent mode!

Send a sms from your father’s mobile phone to your boy friend and tell your boy friend to send his reply on the same phone since your phone is not working.

Tell your father to accompany you to PTM when you failed in three subjects and your mother has already refused to accompany you.

You call your father with a weeping sound from your school to tell him that you scored very bad marks in mathematics.

Bunk your class and go for a movie with your friends and do not tell your parents. He should get the information from your class teacher or from the father of your closest classmate.

Tell your father that tomorrow is the last day for filling up your board examination form and you need a photograph with an embossed date on the photograph.

You need a specific dress for your annual day function and forget to tell your father till two days prior to the function.

Some more examples (including some serious ones) are written in the last chapter of this book.

Chapter VI: Husband and Wife

A stranger lives with another stranger, under a contract with so many ‘dos’ and so many ‘do nots’. In reality, we all spouses break the promises we made before and on the day of our marriage. Most of the beauties remind the promises of their husbands which were made routinely before and on the day of their marriages. But a poor husband mostly dares not to remind his better half about the promises she had made before or on the day of marriage. After all, a boss has the right to count your faults and it cannot be other way round.

In a happy life, husband uses to utter the sentence, ‘you are going to kill me’ only to satisfy the ego of his wife when she thinks she looks gorgeous, rightly or wrongly. Though she will utter another statement, ‘you are a liar, do not think that I shall do---- for you, hearing your lies (or damn lies).’ But she usually becomes happy to do all those things as her husband wants for that day. If with a right or wrong statement, ‘you are killing me darling today with your beauty!’ gives the opportunity to get something, then why not you are using that statement quite frequently!

Normally literal meaning of any statement uttered by a husband is on the same line as that of actual meaning. But literal meaning of any statement uttered by a wife may be far from the actual meaning. For example, if a husband says, ‘No problem!’ He actually means that, there is no problem at all. But when a wife says, ‘Ok, no problem’, that means the husband is going to face a lot of problems in the near future.

These are the only two sentences (you are going to kill me or you have killed me) when uttered by wife literal meaning and meaning of utterance of the sentences carry same meaning whereas when those are uttered by a husband, the meaning may be opposite. Mostly husbands utter these sentences to placate the false ego of their wives. But reverse is not true.

Even in the best of the days, no husband is able to hear the same statement from his wife. The statement when one hears from his wife, he understands that war beagle has already been blown; knife is ready out to pierce his heart! She will remind him everything he had promised till date what he has failed to fulfil. If his parents are alive they will get something mouthful in absentia. Even his daughters will not be spared!

Any ordinary wife can very easily beat the hyperlinking capacity of a super computer, when she fights with her husband referring different incidents involving her husband and her in laws.

Irony of life is that, still he loves his wife and ready to sacrifice everything for her; jokes apart!

For the time being, forget the serious part of this beautiful relation, all beautiful wives may kindly consider following tips for attracting ‘oomphs’ and those sentences from their beloved husbands.

If you are between 35- 45, after putting your children to sleep by 10 PM, then wear the best transparent revealing night gown, and ask your husband (not more than 5 year older than you) whether you are still beautiful or not. He will definitely utter those words to satisfy your false ego of being still beautiful. Though a wife knows with 99% probability that he is lying, but for that moment the wife will definitely believe that sometimes, 1% probability is higher than 99% probability.

Though I am not qualified to advise a wife how she can be more problematic to her husband, I am trying to suggest some tips. If you want to be really an ‘incorrigible wife’ please try to follow my suggestions given below religiously.

Praise your husband’s friend in front of him.

Call your mother’s family on his birthday without informing him.

Call at eleven at night from your mother’s place to pick her up as you had a brawl with your sister in law.

Tell your husband to bring food from restaurant on the last week of the month as your in laws have arrived.

Always, remind at the slightest provocation, your husband that how much you hate your mother in law and sister in law. Even you can draw your children to your discussion and criticise them as they also carry all the bad habits from their father’s family.

But if you want a divorce, just humiliate him while sleeping with him.

Should I give any more tips? I do not want a divorce at this age!!!!!

Chapter VII: Brother and Sister

One of my friends who developed a habit of smoking in his school days and one day his father caught him red handed and he was beaten up black and blue by his enraged father. Afterwards, he came to know that it was his sister who had informed his father that he used to smoke behind his parent. When we asked him whether he was able to take some retaliatory actions against her, he said, ‘I do not want to be killed again by that blood thirsty monster (father).’ What a heart breaking reply from a hapless brother!

All the sons, up to a certain age, think that sisters are the eyes and ears of their fathers. All their misdeeds are reported by these spies with lot of exaggerations and therefore, whenever they get an opportunity, they punished their weak sisters, but again only to be thrashed by their ever protecting fathers of the daughters. This continues till attainment of certain age and after crossing that age, they become best friends and then they utter those sentences quite frequently amongst them without keeping any grudge in their hearts.

Normally elder brothers and elder sisters are over protective towards their younger siblings. Therefore, the elder siblings have to utter those sentences quite often when the younger ones started going to schools. Elder sisters normally never mind if their younger brothers wet their pants or to change dresses of their younger brothers. If a brother has to do those things as per the instruction of the teacher, after doing those, he normally utters those sentences at least ten times before his sister and then hundred times before his mother ( he deliberately avoids to tell those words to his father or to his friends).

As they grow up, the brothers become more and more protective to their sisters. In India a brother can take life or give his life for the sake of his sister (normally till his marriage).

However, utterances of those sentences are basically reserved for the sisters. Every time brother comes home with a dirty shirt, sister utters those sentences to attract her parent’s attention so that he gets a physical or verbal thrashing. Once her desire is fulfilled she will smile and then the brother also utters those sentences in his mind without actual utterance.

Few tips are given below for a sister who likes to force her brother to utter those sentences:

Tell your father that your brother could not drop you at your college as at the same time he had dropped his girlfriend somewhere else.

Inform your parents that you saw an unknown girl on the pillion of his motorcycle.

Inform your parents that your brother has proposed your best friend.

Inform your parents that you met your brother in a restaurant with his girlfriend.

Inform your parents that your brother has bunked his class to see an adult movie.

Inform your parents that your brother has scored very less marks in half yearly examination which he actually wanted to hide.

Fight with his girlfriend.

Inform his girlfriend about his earlier affairs.

Even after all these activities if he is able to tolerate you and your activities (this advice is for the dear sisters), then try this, you fall in love with his worst enemy.

However, a brother also can this to force his sister to utter those sentences.

I am sure, you can try much more than what I have suggested here and will be able to extract those sentences from your sister/ brother many times with ease.

Chapter VIII: Brother and Brother

Best friends in the world and worst enemies in the world are the brothers coming out from the same womb and having same male chromosomes. Naturally, both of them have equal chance of yelling these sentences quite often. But when they are young, the elder one usually yells these sentences quite often after getting some shock treatments in the hands of the younger ones.

If facial cuts are same and are with almost equal age, problems of two brothers are manifold. However, for the brother who is relatively innocent, he has to utter those sentences quite frequently with disgust. I have noticed even in the case of twins, one is more intelligent and naughtier than the other one. In all such cases, when small or big crime is committed by the smarter one and normally dumb or honest one is get punished. Every time the honest one is falsely implicated, he has no alternative but to utter, ‘He is going to kill me one day!’ But his love for his brother/ twin is so strong that he seldom tells the other party that he has been wrongly implicated, till later on the other party realises the fact by themselves.

My elder brother was smarter than I in all respect during our childhood days. For all his faults my father used to admonish me. As a kid, I suffered a lot for his fault (I do not want to discuss those here) at my home and outside home as well. Though outside home he was very protective, at home, he enjoyed every time whenever I was punished/ admonished for no fault of mine. As time passed, I also became smart enough to implicate him in many cases where he was not even distantly associated. So, I am sure, he also uttered many times those sentences for me. Do you expect I shall disclose those instances when I forced him to utter those sentences? Never! But I am sure in one occasion he would have killed me literally, had he would have known in time what I had done and when blame goes to him.

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