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UnAnswered Prayers – Sold My Soul
by Kennie Kayoz
Copyright 2018 Coyotes Publishing
Smashwords Edition

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Alone I Sit

All this time I thought I had things figured out
Finally the light bulb has turned on inside my mind.
Nothing could be more clear than what it is now.
I’m nothing to you

Just words, just basic text.
It’s fine. It shows me what kind of a person you are.
It’s easier for me to drift away.
Lack of communication is easy, I have lack of heart.


No longer having to worry about anything
I don’t have to think about any future regrets.
My future has been chosen.
The future of me.

I have learned over the last little while that only I matter
Never was any good at keeping friends or talking
Here I sit, surrounded by nobody.
I shall remain surrounded by just the same

I will no longer hunt.
No longer be hunted
Will hide in the darkness, will watch life
I don’t need to step forth.

I knew all these years that nobody would want me near them.
One lied to me through many years
Now I see that it is true.
Alone I sit

I no longer have to think
Have to worry
Have to decide who I worry about.
Only one person fills that answer

The person is me

Kennie

Null

Is the affect that you will forever have on me.
Getting close to me only to quickly back off.
I had the feeling that something more was going on.
But You have always chosen to hide it.

I attempted to seek.
But you choose to continue to push me away.
Seeking is something I will no longer do.
No longer asking questions

Can’t look for any answers
When one doesn’t seek
But that is fine.
No longer have to worry

I tried to be there for you
Clearly you didn’t want it
I shall remain distant.
Wonder how long it will be before you get concerned.

I doubt you will even notice
Being too “busy”
Knowing I never had the chance.
Guessing I was that mistake you once made

Kennie

Void

The darkness that I have taken refuge in.
Cold or warmth it no longer matters to me.
The feeling of love was one thing that once passed me by.
I thought I knew it, but it did not know me.

It came texting, I answered
However it quickly turned it’s phone off.
Finding that’s the best thing for it to do.
To hide from me, to run from me.

It didn’t want to speak it’s true voice
Or for me to learn it’s true thoughts.
It’s fine, it really is.
A void is just nothing

A section of nothing in life
Watching it sail away
Into the sea of nothing

Nothing is what I thought I was
Clearly I am less than that.
Not sure what that makes me
Besides less than nothing

Kennie

Pain

I feel more pain coming in my life.
Sadly I think when it comes to certain things people don’t know how to adapt
They tend to panic which makes them panic
Which makes them have panic’d decisions

I worry about my future pain
What maybe causing it.
Having my thoughts, trying to talk.
Not sure if’ it’s doing anything or not.

Guess all I can do is try.
Even though I worry that I might be right.
How would I even react if it happened
I know things would be hidden from me.

Feeling like she’s trying to tell me something.
Feeling like she’s trying to say good bye

I think my own brain would go crazy
Not sure if I would be able to trust anyone.

I worry about what may happen in the future
Worrying about what she might be doing that I don’t know about.
I try to be there for her but I feel like she’s blocking me out.
Being the last person that she wants to talk to.

Guessing she doesn’t trust me anymore.
I wish I knew what was going on with her

Getting the feeling that everything I do, she sees the opposite
Trying to be there, thinking she sees me trying to push her out.

Not sure how to react to her.
She’s become very quiet, even more than usual
Sadly I fear the worse when it comes to her.

Fearing that day.

Kennie

Why Do I Try ?

Why do I even try anymore.
Nothing seems to work out the way I want.
So much causes me stress
Very little causes me relief

Keeping me up at night, causing me to think.
Having me wondering about this and that.
How will things be tomorrow, better or worse.
I never know what I should be doing.

I go out with people and look out the window during the car ride.
Still feeling like I’m sitting still and the world is moving around me.
The world isn’t meant for a person like me.
I think I was meant for another time, another place.

I have nothing to give this world
The world has everything to take from me.
Not that I have much for it to take.
I get very concerned but nobody seems to care.

Not sure how I deal with things
On a day to day basis
But some how I do, it appears to get more difficult.
My shaking comes back.

I do what I can to hide it from people
It’s easier than just talking about it.

Never was much of a big fan of talking
Easier just not to and suffer on the inside.

Some of you understand
Others think I have mental issues

But that’s fine, I’m not going to argue

Kennie

Quietness

Here I sit in quietness.
Perhaps one of the things that I most enjoy
Knowing I spend so much time alone
Quietness seems like the only option at times

Just shutting down devices and hiding from people
Not like I have to worry about many ringing my phone
Nor do I have to worry about much for email.
I’m not overly important

I can live with that
I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m important
When I’m not
Alone I sit

Sitting alone, is it possible it’s a hobby of mine
I do it so frequently I think it should be.
Sometimes I enjoy it
Sometimes I don’t

I just don’t know what to think most of the time
Nor do I know what to do.
I guess that’s why I started to write.
Even though at times I question that

I tend to question everything from time to time
Not sure if that’s a good thing or not.
Do I spend to much time questioning things
That’s a possibility

Time to retreat to the quietness that is my bed

Kennie

Always Changing

Since the first time I wrote, my life has always been going through changes same as me.
First thing I wrote got me sent to the school psychiatrist
Got in shit from my parents about it.
Didn’t really know I had a gift.

I found myself scribbling on pages short paragraphs and other thoughts
Nothing ever came of it as I continued to write, it was randomly done.
At the start nothing ever seen the light because the internet wasn’t how it is today.
Once I discovered it, I began to write now and then.

Never would have thought that I would dedicate so much of my time to it since then
At times I look back at how I use to write and scratch my head wondering why
But I know why, different mind frame, different thought patterns, a truly different me
I don’t think that me would believe that I would change the way I did

Not sure if it was for the better or worse.
The way I use to write was a constant depressive state

Talking about violence and suicide, at times those thoughts ran real thick
Through my skull, I really hated myself and my life.

Didn’t care if I was around any longer.
Kept wondering what life would be like if I didn’t exist anymore.
Was always in a dark place and not in a good way.
Something finally clicked in my brain and my writing began to change.

Often people comment “why leave it online then ?” cause I want them to know
That I haven’t always been the way I am now
I think it’s important to show my journey
From past to present

I will never remove it from being online
Always do my best to keep it online for all to read.
Gone through many phases in life
Wondering what’s next for me

Hopefully something good and not back to the darkness
Who knows what life is going to send my way
Only time will tell
The future is unknown

The past has been written about

Kennie

At Times I Wonder

If I’m doing things the way I should be or if I’m too stupid to figure out the proper way.
I know that my life isn’t what I want it to be, but I honestly don’t think it will change.
Not in the way this world is, seems like things get harder everyday

I wish I knew the secret to life
Not to make it easy but easier and how to do things better.
Struggling with things day to day isn’t exactly what I want

Feeling like I’m just unsure of everything that I do
Feeling like I’m just unsure of everything I say
Who knows what tomorrow is going to bring me.

Will it be any better than today or am I going to regret things
If something happens to me will I be missed or forgotten
Will people be happy or sadden by it

Things really make me wonder
Do I spend to much time thinking
Am I thinking about the wrong stuff

Why is it that certain things I write take so much out of me.
When after I write I feel like I need to go into hiding
Not wanting to post anything publicly

What if that’s my mind saying it dislike’s certain things I write
I should stay away from writing those things, it’s just too much.
It makes me wonder if I should listen to my mind or the number count

Am I the one whose running my brain to the point of being exhausted.
Should I be taking it easy when it comes to my brain
What happens if I exhaust my brain too much, will it let me down

I enjoy trying my hand at different writing styles
Trying to see what I enjoy writing and what I don’t
Certain things I write completely mess me up

It put’s me in a frame of mind that I don’t like
I have trouble shaking that frame of mind
At times it feels like my entire world implodes

All I can think about and I dislike that.
I feel like I need to step away from things
But I don’t know how to do it, since I have no life.

Kennie

One Picture

All it takes is one picture for you to perhaps regret, have I already sent that picture
I don’t think I have, being fugly has it’s advantages, people don’t want to see pictures of you.
Which is something I have gotten use to, very much so.

I sit here and I wonder if my life would be any different if I look better
If I was what people call “handsome” would my life be different
Would certain things come easier for me

Would I have more confidence, I honestly don’t know.
I would hope that I wouldn’t struggle as much in a day to day life.
But that might not change, I have no idea

Can’t try and guess if something will change when one doesn’t know.
I’ve often wondered how many writers use fake pictures
Like a stunt double since they would get told they would sell more books

I always try to hide my face with a logo or a mask
Very rarely do I post my actual photo online.
People tell me that I should

I don’t know why
I don’t think it would change anything
It might get me less reads.

I’m always doing touch ups on my own site
I may drop a photo gallery on that site
Bet not many people will notice

Would one picture change anything
I doubt it
But who knows I might do more than one online.

Kennie


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