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Excerpt for A Way With Words by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

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Black and White


Black ivory.

Sunlit moon.

Invisible eclipse.

Are you me; or am I you?

Lets find out where all the havoc began.

Bring me your thoughts. I'll be fine sorting them out.

At least I think so.

So many complex memories. Forget it I'll do it later.

Choose a path.


Hopefully the one with glass on the ground.

Millions of shards. Plenty of blood to spill.

Now ask me if I am you?

White ebony.


A Better Me


Night, please be darkness.

Truth, please be honest.

Time is running out without a doubt.

Free me from my-self.

Let me fly and let me breathe.

Let me worry and let me grieve.

Walk with me and share my sorrow;

but I will walk alone into tomorrow.

All I ask is a helping hand,

to show me how to be a better man.

Nothing but your light will set me free,

and let me become a better me.


Your Turn


A true confession of an overwhelming love.
 
The truth and exact nature.
 
Let it be told.
 
I praise you beautiful goddess
 
There is no more mirror image,
 
just a deeper vision of hope that I seek.
 
I thrive just to know your mind a little more.
 
This journey, this life is yours to guide.
 
As I put every breath and thought into your hands.
 
Do as you will.
 
Its your turn to move.


In Death I Pray



Silent thunder awaken in my heart.
 
Invisible lightning as the storm begins to start.
 
Rolling clouds like heavenly shrouds;
 
as I speak to my creator aloud.
 
Shadows of darkness, I plead bring me to the light.
 
For your love is unconditional and very bright.
 
I plead forgive me because I no longer want to fight.
 
As fear leaves this body with no more fright.
 
Along with my soul, I shall take my toll. for this life of mine it getting too old.
 
I beg of you to take me to your kingdom above;
 
as I say goodbye to the ones I love.
 
It is time for me to leave,
 
and when I am gone you can breathe.


Kamikaze Wishes


Look into these eyes.

Follow the spinning vibrations.

Frozen corridors of my final days.

Elusive images slip from my mind.

Black stars like burned out light bulbs.

Replace the fuse.

Electric temptations become my life's seduction.

One more Bang!

Laying here lifeless.

These bodily fluids run rampant.

How do I stop the bleeding?

Grinding my teeth with no energy to smile,

fuck it, no desire to smile.

Eat the snake before it eats you.


Brick Wall

Brick wall.

Access denied.

Let me out and you can't come in.

I am hiding from everything for no reason.

Look at me! Who's reflection do you see?

I know it's not me, because I can't be seen anymore.

Disappear into thin air and clap your hands if I reappear.

I promise to brake your fingers.

I won't hesitate to cause you harm.

You've already done it to me.

Time is over; please close the door behind you.


My Painful Place


My painful place and it's all mine.

The walls are covered in hurt and obscenities.

I am trapped inside this mind with no egress.

This is where is I feel perfectly normal.

These bottles, one filled with liquid, the other with pills.

Anticipating the next one as a crawl into my corner.

Time after time; I feel like one of Dali's clocks.

Painting the picture of being abstract and alone.

The outside world does not exist; It's just me, here, by my self.


Cooperstown


Bastille playing in the background;

on our way to baseball's Mecca;

this is my last good memory of you.

You bought me that CD for my birthday,

but it meant so much more then melodies and lyrics.

It was the experience during that four hour drive.

Just us and the road.

PA to NY, and the last thing we thought about was the distance.

When we got there and settled in, we were so excited to see the town.

Our dinner on the lake and the boat ride I'll never forget.

Ommegang in our cup while witnessing the place where it all started.

This was the best birthday of my life.


Running With Scissors


I keep thinking of what might be,

but I'm afraid to show you all of me.

I've been here before, so I'll approach with caution.

It feels good, but I said that the last time.

Locking my heart away, just to release it at the right moment.

As long as I can be myself, we won't have a problem.

It has taken forever for me to be content with who I am.

I own my happiness and won't let anyone take it away again.

These emotions come with contingencies and reservations.

All while they dangle from a string.

So please put the scissors away.


Walking The Destructive Path



Self-destruct, where did I leave that bottle?


Spinning, be careful not to get up to quick.


Fading in and out.


Loving this familiar feeling.


Where do I get some more?


Ill eventually have to get up and do it again.


I hope no one notices.


I notice but don’t give a fuck.


At this moment I am God.


Searching for you only to find me.


Again and again I promise to disappoint.


Was it worth for you?


One more and that’s it, or at least that is what I tell myself.


Getting Sober


There is only tonight, so we can forget about tomorrow.

Right now; just you and me. I promise to do my best to fix to you.

Who made it worse? Are you a casualty or did something else cause this?

Thinking to my-self as I try to clean up the mess.

You've should have given me bits and pieces to put together sooner;

instead of jagged edges and splinters.

I can't let you medicate anymore.

It's time to get clean and wash away all the filth.

It won't be easy or quick, but this has to been done.

No you can't have more, regardless of how much you promise.

I am here to help, so pack your bags.


Burning down the Pine Barrens


Forest fire.

Watch that cigarette; slow, please go slow.

Conditions are extra dry today.

Subconscious actions; forgetting to in and exhale, but you already know it's dangerous.

If there is combustion please don't say I didn't warn you.

Burn, but don't forget there has to be smoke to have fire.

Vulnerable while camping in the Pine Barrens.

Dig a hole and remember to extinguish all the flames.

Only you could have prevented this.

W.A.I.T [Where am I Today]


Time seems frozen
 
Waiting for an answer from the Sun.
 
What is your reason for rising today?
 
Is it me?
 
Those few seconds before the dawn.
 
Left behind in a world full of sin.
 
Each day I walk outside and just wait.
 
Blessed by so many memories.
 
Tortured by my shortcomings.
 
Not knowing what to do.
 
Anticipating your arrival and waiting.
 
Wait.
 
W.A.I.T


Yesterday, today, and forever


Yesterday, today, and forever; our smiles light up the night.

Shining down from heaven with our gift of human sight.

You're the one who makes my soul dance like the Northern lights.

I care for you so and are the one I love.

Each night I hold you tight as we look at the stars above.

My devotion, my heart, I am here for you.

When the long days are rough, the nights will get us through.

Be patient in time we'll reach our goals;

For our minds put together make two amazing souls.

Yesterday, today, and forever I will love you till my death.

For all the air we breathe, we share the same breath.


The Beginning


Blinded by infatuation and taken by beauty.
 
So I close my eyes and dream about days to come.
 
When I awaken you're still there shinning with your heavenly smile.
 
Your goddess body and face make we weak.
 
The eyes of an angel, you can see every emotion.
 
Just you being near inspires my passion for life.
 
Please become one of my passions and I will become one of yours.


My Heart


I found.

I think I found where I left my heart.

The one nobody ever wanted.

Not hiding in plain sight, just there placed on a shelf.

Sometimes I needed it but I'm sure it ended up there for a reason.

I forgot how to feel, how to use it, love it, and one day give it away.

Regardless it sits there unused.

They wanted everything but that.

My time, my attention, my body, but not my heart.

I guess it makes sense why it's still there where I left it.


Hell's Dreamland


Drowning in a world of nothingness.

Painted faces of good and evil.

Passionate torture.

Become me because I am already you.

Looking for a reason as I search for the meaning.

A maze of horror so frighting my nightmares would be afraid.

Hypnotized by humanity; confused by reality.

Run from the demons.

Taste the blood of every soul.

Why try and escape, when I am to be caught again?

Insanity's realm lingers like death.

Dwell in it and die.

Hell is heaven compared to the outcome.

So lick the flesh of its creator.


Saturday

High grass cut me down and burn me with sun rays.

Push me now, take my crown and forget about every Sunday.

Friday's couldn't come quick enough. Mondays and Tuesdays,


Are always rough

Thursday's feel like a sneak peek.

Hoping and praying for the end of the week.

Wednesday comes and you see the glimmer of hope,

But the two days before you are an upward slope.

Saturday is all I need! A slave to the week, waiting to be freed.

So this Saturday please stop by and see me,

And always remember to return weekly.


Scholastic Romance


Forever ago we were children who would pulled each others hair,

and slapped each others faces.

In class we did our best to avoid one another.

I went one way and you stayed with the other crowd.

But one day we decided to share our lunch.

You sipped from my juice box and I shared my carrots.

Whatever, wherever. we consumed it all.

In junior high we kissed for the first time.

Our lips felt like they were electric.

We were always reminded by our friends that the batteries were not included.

In between classes we made an effort to stop by and see each other.

Junior year came and went, but we swore our love was heaven sent.

Nothing or no one could ever tear us apart or guide the feelings we felt in our
hearts.

But then came a time where we had to move on, but please remember these

Our memories are never gone.


Let Me Be Me


We are born to die, but we forget to live in the moment.

Love, hate, desire, fate. Playing with fire and hoping we wont get burned.

As a child we're always told not to play with matches;

But we have to find that out for ourselves.

The decisions we make, the consequences we ignore, help mold who we
become.

The fork in the road, but we are only given two choices; left or right.

Why does direction have to be one or the other?

Why can't we chose another path?

Status quo, expected conformity, and all the luster of "just do the right thing".

F*ck that! I choose to build my own bridges and burn them down if want.

I control the outcome and will till the day I die.


The Dead's Thoughts

Reading my eulogy.

They always throw you the best party when you're dead.

Everyone proclaims how good you were to them.

"I am really going to miss him"

"He was the best about understanding the simple things".

Even if they were complex like the rest of the world.

At the door of the funeral home.

Please don't forget to sign the guest book.

Does it really matter? It's not like the dead can read anyway.

Some cry, some are indifferent. Some only came because they felt obligated.

The reality is that death is final and the rest of the world moves on.

We grieve because it's normal, but it doesn't stop us from going to work on Monday.

We win, we lose. We love, we choose.

Death is death and can't be negotiated or bargained with.

Life and love are finite and blow away with just the right amount of wind.



Arms, Hands, and Fingers


Finger tips, each one represents the glory of touching your body.
 
They remember every inch and every scar.
 
These hands grasp with gentle intentions,
 
but they want to try and define every curve.
 
My arms yearn to be wrapped around you,
 
even if it's for a moment.


Johnny & June


The welcomed disaster, but it had to happen.
 
I can't grow or move on without re-living every moment.
 
I've been looking for Kepler but he's been hiding behind the stars.
 
I chase, I run, I try to avoid everything headed this way.
 
I made myself swear I would never forget.
 
Even if the scars are deep, I know where they came from.
 
Everyone, from small to large; old and new.
 
I know I had to make a change, even if this happens again.
 
When you get cut, you bleed; but it doesn't mean you can't heal.

Oral Fixation


Freud said I should hate my mother,

But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Frank taught me this and I believed him;

Because he's a non-smoker now.

Freud said the Irish couldn't be analyzed,

But I am a work in progress.

Each day I pack my suitcase,

and swear you're my next stop.

I am lost trying to find my way back to you.

They say I shouldn't hold on to the things I can't change,

But I need this to be real.

Real and right now.


Let Go


Why hold onto hate?

I can only resent you for so long.

It's like pissing on yourself.

Only you feel it.

It takes too much energy, time, and resource.

I'd rather be happy and forget the past.

I did, you do. I do, you too.

So the fuck what!

Move on and get better.

Live life now and forever.



Agnes, Brian, John, Daniel, & Shannon


Digging up Grandma.
 
Daddy wished we didn't do it;
 
but it had to be done.
 
That missing piece of who we are.
 
He was fine for fifty one years but we weren't.
 
We had to go see her.
 
Where she has laid in peace near the highway.
 
Brian was there to, but he has only been just a name to us.
 
Our parents pretended to grieve for him; so how can we?
 
I hope Dad doesn't think we meant to rip that scab off.
 
We were just trying to  get to know him & her.
 
A baby buried at her feet.
 
We brought flowers, but they kept blowing over.
 
Regardless of the history sister, it brought us closer together.



Alone At Night [In My Dreams]


This is how it feels to be alone at night.

I can only hear whispers of spirits as I look into the unknown of daylight.


Disappearing into my mind and once again I wake up to my oblivion.

Do you know what it is like to have the devil smile at you?

Have you ever feared the one thing that keeps you sane?

I have; All my life I have been waiting for the sun to burn out and the sky to fall.

I have been waiting for angels to come down and hang me from this old pine tree.

These are the dreams and thoughts of this lonely soul.

Have you ever had the hands of god smack you in the face?

Just because you don't speak his name everyday.

I have; This is how it feels to be alone at night.

When I fall asleep, please don't wake me, for I have a date with a nightmare.

A fun-house of terror I must indulge in.

Not with demons or ghosts. but the memories of my existence.

They allow me to see the fear that pumps my heart.

I am god in this dreamland and like to torture my mind and bleed my spirit till I'm numb.

I curse my soul night after night, hoping to wake up in a cold sweat.

I love that feeling; the feeling of being completely powerless over what I dream.


Single Malt Kisses


Whiskey lips.

Drip sweet, smooth, intoxicating nectar down my mouth;

Down my throat.

A little bit of bite, but I don't mind.

Hoping our tongues catch fire.

Friction, with just the right amount of spit.

Bushmill kisses; 1608 to the present.

I really want more as long it is with you.

Loving the taste and this tingling sensation.


A Handshake, A Hello, and a Cup of Coffee [My First AA Meeting]


Twelve Steps to many.
 
I only came here for the coffee.
 
You said sit down and stay awhile;
 
Because I might miss the miracle happen.
 
There sure is a lot of clapping for being a deplorable.
 
Why are the chairs so close together?
 
Please, I really don't want to be touched.
 
A simply wave and hello works for me.
 
All the answers are in this book, and this book, and this one too!
 
The leader said to the "Simply Sober" crowd.
 
If you can't afford "one", the group will supply one to you.
 
I doubt this is apart of mothers weekly book club.
 
How many of these do I have to climb to be normal again?
 
Someone yelled out "All Twelve!"
 
Twenty minutes in and they starting asking for money,
 
like someone was about to go on a beer run.
 
So money for books? Money for their company?
 
All for a handshake, a hello, and a cup of coffee.


Anti-ontogenesis


From seed to leaf, to twig, and vine.

From the earliest stage; all the way to maturity.

Juvenile thoughts and childish games.

Absent and without purity;

but in this mind, I think what I say and act on every word.

You may be offended and feel it's a little absurd;

But this is me, so you get what you paid for.

It takes two to quarrel and if you don't like it there's the door.

I've been someone else for way too long.

I fight, you fight, we fight; but often to our own audience.

So let me be the bigger person and tell you to get the fuck out.

Finally silence.


My Halo


I've seemed to have lost my halo.
 
Has anyone seen it?
 
God gave it to me and I hope he'll forgive.
 
It's not like it fell from my crown.
 
I keep it close to my brow.
 
I hope it's not.....
 
Down in hell where all evil dwells.
 
It was here the other day.
 
I wish it would come back either way.
 
If it doesn't, there is always another;
 
but the first means more and it was given to me by our father.
 
Trinity touches across my heart.
 
To me, my halo is god given art.
 
So one day I hope i find, what was or was not left behind.


Look, But Don't Touch


The natural voyeur.

Look but don't touch.

Can you feel me peaking?

In the shadows is where I lurk?

Watching from a distance.

Hoping the view is better than the last time.

Vicarious windows; gazing into your souls hole.

I want; you want me to...

Look, but don't touch.


Little Black Dress


That little black dress.
 
The way it embraced your body.
 
Every movement was like heaven.
 
Flowing and following as you walked.
 
Hoping you would not stop.
 
Even when it was static; it was still a masterpiece
 
The folds, the wrinkles; everyone was like magic.
 
Even Houdini could not escape that perfection.
 
The only thing better than you wearing it, is me taking it off.


The Devil Stopped By To See Me


Shades of gray, tasting the air that surrounds you.
 
Calling the winds from every direction as you drop to the ground.
 
Only the moon can be seen.
 
Daybreak is just an illusion.
 
Please don't ask any questions.
 
Wire this mouth shut.
 
Watching devils dance; clapping my hands and stomping my feet.
 
All to the beat of some others drum.
 
St. Patrick got rid of the snakes but can he save me?
 
Repent! Repent! Ask for forgiveness.
 
Hail Mary, Jesus, John & Paul.
 
But just like Lucifer, we all must fall.


F.E.A.R. [Fuck Everything And Run]


These halls of horror.

Light the match and burn my skin.

Don't worry I won't feel a thing.

Lifeless, invested, and bound to pain.

Bloodshot eyes follow my every move.

I'm trying to out run them all.

I will become your monster.

You just have to say the right words.

Waiting for the next to come along.

But I am here, right now and ready to go.

Under your bed; you might want to sleep standing up;

Because when I come, I come heavy.

Sucking every single breathe from your lungs.

Suffocate now before I strangle you.

There is so much in this world to make you bleed.

Run; run fast and this very moment.

Around the corner is just the same old ending

The noose tied, as the last.

Slight stop and subtle drop.

Necks will break before we choke and pass out.

No rain, and sleep.

Nor sun or shine and promise the hurt won't be left behind.

Crash into you but not the Matthews way.

Push until there is nothing left.

When the only direction to retreat is behind you.

The last thought you have is...

FUCK EVERYTHING AND RUN!


Left Behind [My God]


The god I once loved.
 
Left when I needed him most.
 
The one who taught me everything I know.
 
How to treat a woman.
 
Respect for all people; all races.
 
All colors and all faces.
 
The one that held me high.
 
Looking down at all his earth.
 
Reflecting every image of his birth.
 
Please take me and I promise to pray one day.
 
What have I said?! The real thoughts are opposite of what's in my head.
 
If I can't have you, I can't have anything.
 
Please take me back and forgive all my sins.
 
Your angels ignore. so all that's left is you.
 
The dirt is brown and the sky is blue.
 
But ForgetMeNot's are my favorite hue.
 
Periscopes, my looking view.
 
Staring at the stars and at the sea.
 
Hoping one day you'll be here with me.
 
And if those days never come.
 
No praise or tongue will ever hum.


Clocks


Open the door and close all the windows.

God knows I don't want to catch a draft.

It's hard to see how this will all end.

Lovers; friends?

Do we slow down or do we speed up?

I can, we can, make it all worth while.

Foreseeing our time together with this motionless clock.

Tick, tock; watching our pendulum swing.

Static, but not when we move it together.

How many ticks until it all goes boom?

Counting every second and interval.

Waiting but hoping the expiration will never come.

You say you see me for who I am;

But is it real or just pretend?

This face has numbers counting down till our end.


I Miss You [RIP Raymond]


Drive, faster and reckless.
 
The yellow lines don't mean anything.
 
Light and signs, but at this hour;
 
no one pays attention.
 
No one cares, even for a second.
 
Windows down, Deftones blasting.
 
To the max; I can't hear myself think.
 
Rebel, truant, and everything in between. 
 
Ray showed me the way to oblivion.
 
This day or the next.
 
I guess he didn't have a choice.
 
I look at the medal he gave me and think about his life.
 
He wanted not to feel anymore.
 
Pipe or spike with the same old outcome.
 
Only to find out he passed without telling me.
 
I am sure he had a lot more going on.
 
Chasing the demons and hoping the next world was better.
 
Only to find out...
 
I miss you Raymond.


Tracing Lines [Show Me The Way]


Scars and scabs.
 
They're easy to come by.
 
Some heal and some come back faster than the first time.
 
Why does the pain hurt more after the cut?
 
Is it the anticipation, the longing for it's return?
 
Bleed me dry and take away everything;
 
Even my tears so I can't cry.
 
Anxiously awaiting the next sucker punch.
 
We smile to lure each other in.
 
Just to have it happen again.
 
Can I see yours? I promise to show you mine.
 
As far as I can tell we have nothing to hide
 
Take me back to the beginning.
 
Not of us, but your beginning.
 
I've been there before.
 
Tracing every line and every memory.
 
I use to think they all defined who I would become.
 
The sun still rises and I awake grateful for who I am.
 
I might have wounds but who doesn't?
 
The miracle is I know what to do with them.
 
I can show you the way, if you let me.
 
From aggression to progression.
 
Learning how to be content and to live life.
 
Completely.


Pharmacopia


When the truth hurts.
 
I take some pills.
 
To not feel and and forget it all.
 
Letting go of every piece;
 
And when I wake it's all still there.
 
So i do it over and over.
 
I can never catch up with my self.
 
Blue, green, white, peach; it doesn't matter the variety.
 
They all end up at the same destination.
 
One may lift me and one might bring me down.
 
All I wish for now is my place in the ground.


Merry Christmas [A Gift For Mom]


Regardless of the past, here we are now.

You are my Mother and I am your child.

Years have come and time has past.

With many smiles and tears to.

But I just wanted to say that i love you.

You will always be the woman in my life.

To give me strength and hope even with an ex-wife.

As I grow up and as I move on.

I just wanted to say, that my love for you will never be gone.

I know you love Christmas and this year means even more.

That family is everything and what we live for.

So Merry Christmas! I hope it is the best.

But even it is not, we always have the next.


Fork In The Road [He's Waiting For You]


This path I walk; afraid of nothing or no one..

If something is going to happen; send it my way.

I've been looking for a companion to join my mayhem.

Mischievous, devious, culprit, and partner in crime.

Scaring them all and causing alarm.

Seducing them all with our charm.

Devils dance but so do angels too.

And when they both glance, their staring at you.

Fork in the road; which way do we choose?

Do we pick the right like must of us do?

Or maybe the left, to insure we do not conform.

And wish at the end of this path we're reborn.

Each time we pass and refuse to stop.

Like the mountains we climb and never reach the top.

Even as we all fall like some angels do;

The devil is there, waiting for you.


You're Waterproof [I Wash Away]

Ages and keepers of the wind.
 
The ones who never forget.
 
They have been here for millennia.
 
Witnessing everything from it's beginning.
 
East to west; north to south.
 
Devouring each little bit.
 
Grain of sand, to yard of earth.
 
Blowing over lakes and rivers.
 
Picking us up and smashing us down.
 
Does this ever stop? At the place where there is silence?
 
Air moves and makes noise.
 
The one thing where you can't turn the volume down.
 
Why does water run away as I always run towards it?
 
It brought me life; it brought us all life.
 
Air, seed, plant, love, liquid existence.
 
Fluid as it moves; touching all but you.
 
From dew to stream; river, and all the way to the ocean.
 
The surf erodes each time if reaches us.
 
Your waterproof and I wash away.


Book Sale [Fire Sale]


This is where the story ends.

The pages tattered and torn.

With every crease, and highlighted line.

Wash away and disappear.

There were some words, mostly pictures, and memories.

No glossary or index to guide those the content was about.

Just another fairytale that turned into a nightmare.

Anticipating the next page, each turn, and first glance.

Hoping those images would not change.

Like when a certain smell brings you back.

To times lost and often about the one you loved.

With age, just like with books, they get used and put on a shelf.


Inventory [4Th Step?]


Upon her breast I laid my head
 
Dreaming about changing the world.
 
At least the world we live in.
 
Motivated and good, even great intentions.
 
They said I could dance and show them all.
 
Show them what I am capable of;
 
But if it was up to me, I would let you all down.
 
Consumed by selfishness and my own agenda.
 
These thoughts and actions make it all seem real.
 
I miss the comfort of your heart.
 
The protection of your smile.
 
Embracing the promise you made to me.
 
The one where you said you'd never let go.
 
To hurt us more, when it's so much easier to not cause harm.
 
But as with the wind, we chose our own direction.
 
Passing through anything that got in our way.
 
Will you be apart of my "Fourth Step"?
 
And forgive me for everything I'll do?
 
I've ever done?

Searching and fearless? More like running and scared.
 
This book says to forgive me.
 
Words from another. Lips that lie.
 
But it has to be true.
 
It says it right here.


Elevator [Heaven And Hell]


Why do heaven and hell both have gates?

Maybe heaven to let you in and hell to keep you there.

Sounds good to me. Makes sense, I think.

If Gabriel is to play watchman, who is at Satan's door.

It must be a bad mother fucker keeping all those wretched souls in their place.



Behind the gates

Does God let you in and keep you in?

I mean it is "heaven" after all.

People move to Florida to be warmer.

It makes me think of the temperature up there;

Because I know the temp down there is hot as hell

Is hell all the crazy bitches I've been with, times ten?

Or is heaven the healthy one I should have married years ago?

Who knows? Maybe I just end up in a hole and nothing else happens.


[My] Messiah


Consumed by fear and focused on hate

Now serving the next in line.

Its so much easier to be your monster.

Like a ghost in the mirror.

I invite you say the right words.

Provoke and stoke the fire.

Just waiting for the next time we get burned.

Even fake people pray when the pain becomes great enough.

Not really sure who they're speaking to.

Only hoping someone will answer.

If the flame goes out.

We go back to whats normal.

To what is familiar and convenient.

We wish for the pain will stop one day.

Killing it all, even if we did not create it.

From womb to grave; "He" lays next to us.


Pistol


Mirror image, disgusted by what I see.

Where is your dignity?

I look and stare, but you never return the favor

Is it one of those “Outta sight, Outta mind” kind of things.

Why won't you glance, stare, look, glimpse back at me?!

Is it because we're both broken and ugly?

You whooped my ass good this time, but I will always get the best of you.

Every fight and every quarrel.

Punch, slap, kick and bite!

Somebody is getting fucked up tonight.

Win or lose, the damage is done.

Just remind me next time, to bring my gun.


Where The Smoke Goes [Take A Picture]


Escape through smoke.

Inhale and forget.

Calm your body and calm your mind.

Get rid of the pain; leave it all behind.

If it starts to wear off, have some more.

Wondering thoughts.

Where is my mind?

I need it to answer that last question.

I guess I am fucked.

My wonderland.

I am the Hatter; fuck Alice!

Baby steps and quantum leaps.

Down that hole, dark and deep.

To awake in a world of strangers and ghosts.

To the ones who left us high and dry.

Few hellos; no goodbyes.

Evacuate; There's nothing left to see.

For all that we wanted and never had.

Devoid like the smoke that ends up escaping me.


False Idols


In the sky.

Where god says hello and I say goodbye.

To leave this earth and everyone behind.

Wishing we all could burn together.

Only to be extinguished by the rain

But in the sky above the clouds.

Is where we all meet for our last dance.

As above so below? Where's my second chance?

First glance, looking back at you.

Invited by your eyes.

Leading us towards the sun.

Swearing to him you were the one.

My inferno, his delight.

You shouldn't worship false idols.


Shadow Puppets


Haunt me.

Shadows with their own user interface.

Puppets in the light cast a perfect image.

When we were young they made us laugh.

Now they scare the shit out of us.

Trying to keep the ground under my feet.

Avoiding it from being on top of me.

Six feet deep; six feet tall;

when I can keep my balance.

Fail

Fall.

Tumble.

We get back up.

Climb, ascend, to the top.

Even when escalators break they turn into steps.


The Night Shift


I am sorry; I didn't mean to wake you.

I just thought I would stop by and stare awhile.

In your comfort sleep.

Hoping you're dreaming of me.

Warm bed, clean sheets.

The world is so much safer inside with you.

I do my duty in the night.

Praying I make it back to you.

We never say goodbye, just a kiss and “I'll see you later”.

Eight to four; you can't imagine the things I see.

But it does not matter because you're what I come home to.

Blue lives matter? I see it a different way.

God taught me to love my neighbor.

Under this bullet proof vest, I'm just flesh and bones.

Yearning for nothing more than our home

Each dusk I wake and place a shield on my heart.

Hoping to serve everyone I come into contact with.

The night shift can be lonely and dangerous,

but you give me everything I need when I am away.


Naked Noise


Run Amber; towards the one you found.

Screaming at the top of your lungs; long and loud.

Looking for an exit to make our break.

Playing hide and seek, ready for the escape.

The rush, the adrenaline, the stuff that makes us move.

We're the loud bang that clears out the room.

So hit the floor or get the fuck out the way!

Because our presence will be felt today.

Clapping our hands and stomping our feet.

Creating songs, sound and beat.

Spinning in circles; for the heavens we'd seek.

Wanted nothing more than for you to make it back to me.

To be sane, alive, and even happy.


The One We Serve

I am the voice of the echo.

The one who whispers into your ear.

That screams into your mind.

Conscience.

The ring leader who won’t be quiet.

What’s on the agenda for today?

I’ll write you a story about life and things that disappear.

If they come back, full of force and aggression.

To raise you up, just to bring you down.

I will be around.

I promise to be everything you wanted me to be.

Mostly you, mostly me.

From the beginning to eternity;

But If I let you down; you'd swear to forget.

Regardless of the past; happy or upset.

We both get what we deserve.

From the one who judges, the one we serve.




Eventually We Go Home For Dinner


Dark approach

The shadows are creeping up

Getting close and settling in.

Almost home, comfort and solitude.

Creating space; burning bridges that were never meant to exist.

Why can't there be silence when I walk in the door?

The one to our “home”, really our house.

Just a place to lay our heads.

Four walls with a roof.

Not a place of escape or sanctuary.

Louder than the one I just left.

Maybe I should have stayed a bit longer.

At the place where I wish time stopped,

Even lasted for just a minute longer.

And here we are asking each other what's for dinner tonight?.


She Was By My Side


She cried for me when the doctor said it was terminal.

I cried for her when the look of defeat was painted all over her face.

She remained strong and tried to hold back her tears.

Deep inside, I could feel her dying.

Even though I was the one given the bad news.

She chose to keep smiling and selflessly said I would be alright.

She has been here for years, so why would she exit now?

Committed and invested; good and bad times.

Stage four; a measurement from death himself;

But none of that mattered, as long as we had one more day, minute, second together.

The day came when we had to say goodbye.

And in the end, she was by my side.


The Way It Used To Be


Finger tips.

Touch, feel, but never close enough.

Grasping; trying to remember every inch.

From hair to nose.

Chin to smile.

Face, your face is what I needed.

Kiss; our lips, embraced the moment.

Committed and wanting to go to the place;

Where time stops and love begins.

When we met, nothing in the world existed but us.

You used to say “I love how you make me feel safe”

It made me think I was a superhero.

Untouchable and unstoppable, like you and me.

I miss the way it used to be.


Light Of Exposure


High born, low life.

I had to learn how to play in the mud.

The first time was hard but the dirt can be washed away.

Not for good though; it's got that "residual residue".

The kind that can't be wiped off.

Deep in our soul.

Hidden from everything good.

This demon grows slowly and subtle;

Pieced together by all the hurt, neglect, and abandonment.

Even if the world sucks, we all have hope.

Whatever lingers in the dark, dies in the the light of exposure.


Between Each Ear


Loud they scream between each ear

No direction, path, or faith in fear.

Just knowing they exist and always persist;

Hoping for one moment to open my wrist.

These voices.

Stop,

Please stop!

STOP!!

Sorry Freud, I don't hate my mother.

I do not hate. You, me or any other.

But it doesn't mean that I won't hurt.

The ones still here and under the dirt.

Pain is something everyone can feel.

Good or bad, it exists and is real.

Numbed or forgotten, it will always be there.

Like the voices between each ear.



Our Heaven, This Earth


Look away and you will find.

A better place, a different time.

Tight rope walker; honest politician.

To the ones who cared and those who listened.

We followed the same path.

Regardless of the consequence or aftermath.

Right or wrong; yes or no?

Stay complacent, or learn to grow?

Progress earned, fast and slow.

Your heaven; my heaven, aren't they the same?

Full of love; no hurt, no pain?

To leave this life and meet again?

Somewhere new, that no one has ever been?

Our place, our secret spot.

The one we hold near.

Safe, secure, absent of fear.

Heaven is what you make it.

Reality or thought.

Opportunity must be taken.

For the truth we sought.

But if we were wrong in the end,

Our souls would be forgotten before they were cleansed

Even if we were right and saw the light, we would be saved

To come back refreshed; ready for a new day.


Open To Interpretation


The way I am.

The way we were.

Past tense phrases slip from our mouths.

Leak from our lips.

Like when you reference someone or something,

that is no longer here.

Why do we push the moment aside and live in the past?

Does the pain hurt more in our thoughts?

The way you are.

Victim and volunteer.

I run from what you've been thinking.

Pondering the next destruction.

Justifying your participation and role.

Making it someone else's fault

From index to epilogue.

Cover to cover, you flipped each page.

Remembering you shouldn't believe everything you read.

All that we see, with or without me.

Is open to interpretation


Talk Is Cheap


Black water.

At the edge of the lake.

We dip our feet, ankles deep.

Afraid to go all the way in.

When the wave says goodbye to the shore;

To return, come back again.

We'd try not to get wet, but always failed.

Tempted by destruction.

Oblivion blinds, but not enough for us to find...

Our way out.

Between the hours we don't keep.

When the world shuts it eyes and we're asleep.

Where demons dance and angles weep.

Each tear for a soul that lost control.

Heaven is an illusion that we'd seek;

And regardless of all the words we say.

The ones we prayed

Talk is cheap


Loud Gas


I have appetite for Devereux.

At the park with the tire swing.

An after school special.

Bag and blunt.

Only Philly, Dutch couldn't master this gas.

Split, empty, fill, roll, than spark.

Puff pass. Too strong for repetition.

Smoking ashes; finger tips burnt.

Never missed a beat.

Our feet; this step; we stomp.

Loud; extremely loud!


In Control


Thought-stream, free structure.

Where does the mind go?

Rhyme and rhythm move together.

Melody or song; Fast and slow.

We chose to dance at night.

Where lights dim and barely glow.

We say goodbye to sunlight.

Only to become the main-event of the show.

We said hello to midnight;

And never let it go.

We wanted the spotlight.

So we could be in “control”.


The Devils Arms


In the devils arms we felt safe.

No need to run, or escape.

A mound of dirt atop our souls.

Where we laid together.

If I die, then I wont have to live.

Sounds simple. Easier said than done.

Whatever happened to the faithful?

Our cheerleaders and fans?

That represented all our glory.

Look at you, look at me.

Searching for a sign to guide.

This way or the next.

We'll have to find ours.

Decide when we're satisfied.

We reach for the one who'll set us free.

In the devils arms is where we'll be.


I Am Glad I Met You Tonight


We met in the rain.

At night, a random night.

I got a call from a friend.

He said I should come over and meet you.

So here we are, under this umbrella.

Not far from home, but close enough.

Couple beers; a smoke or two.

Just to get to know you.

You asked for my arm.

During our few minute walk.

Hours before, we were just talk.

An idea. That came to light.

I am glad I met you tonight.


She Came, I Went


It's hard to learn someone new.

Especially during sex.

You knew the boundaries, limits with the last.

You're approaching new territory.

This feels foreign..

What to try? What not to do?

She came, I went.

She started, I finished.

This was easier in my twenties.

When fucking was just. Fucking.

No feelings or strings attached.

I came, she went.


Fractions [Eleven Out Of Twelve, Ain't Bad]


A smart mind is dangerous.

Was once a story teller,

When I was, a younger fella.

I could see in the dark.

Never missed a step.

Until I missed a step.

Eleven out of twelve ain't bad.

Walking on shards of glass.

Committed to the future,

Trying to forget the past.

My action was key,

To reach this epiphany,

In all our affairs.

We needed simplicity.

To love and care,

With intent and dignity.

I'm just saying,

Eleven out of twelve ain't bad.

Trying to find the common denominator.

Fractions.


A Monday Around Noon


Everything is fine when your skin is next to mine.

We used to hang our heads.

But nothing matters this time.

You need somewhere safe instead.

Safe to be....

Close to you and close to me.

Scream, yell, the absurd and obscene.

It will only help us to repent and be clean.

Lay your head on my chest.

I will keep you safe.

Show you dignity and respect.

When do you know it's goodbye?

Because it feels real this time?

The cancer took you too soon.

It was on a Monday around noon.


Those We Mourn


Gypsy rose and blue lagoon.

They said we swam where mermaids do.

Tail and torso, Fin and head.

To crawl on land and mourn the dead.

Keepers keep couldn't keep the peace.

The day I forgot my brother.

But at his grave I consoled my mother.

Helped her cry and remember him.

When life was smiles, cheeks and grins.

But now is dark, relapse and regret;

And those we mourn, we'll never forget.

Junkie


Pipe and spike.

K & A.

The suburban trains took us there.

Down the steps we stepped towards Carlisle.

Where North and West would meet.

Allegheny strip, full of misfits.

They screamed “Coke and Dope”

Just spend a few dollars and abandon all hope.

Puddle water to clean that tube.

When it hit blood, the high ensued.

Buy a bundle and get two for free.

And when you run out,

Come back and see me.


Addict


Vicodin,

The Rin Rin Rin.

I guess Marshall made his point.

When I cut where its scored,

and laced it with a joint.

Dipped low just to stay high.

Stripped clothes, closed thighs.

I took one, then two.

Just to forget some of me and most of you.

At least for the moment.

Mixed a drink to get me there soon.

What time of day?

Sometime around noon.

But the days blend,

Especially the weekend.

Can't remember my last reboot.

Looking  for an update.

Windows, I had ten.

Shut off the automatic.

Preferred to remain complacent & static.

Its easy practice to be an addict.


Something Up My Sleeve


My lord, your Christ.

Count me in as we say goodbye.

Hung like Jesus, even Lazarus woke.

But the man in the middle was the joke.

Crown of thorns, spear in side.

Pardon me, is there something in my eye?

Maybe a tear; I think I need a Judas priest.

To count my worth coin by coin.

But if you have a better direction, I'd might join.

Sacrilege, sacrifice.

Where are we headed tonight?

I heard the Roman's were looking for us.

But we were too busy teaching men how to fish.

It's cool bruh they'll catch the next boat.

If they miss it, they'll be hung by their throats.

Forever beyond, because we're lost this time.

Far from him, far behind.

No amends for the dead.

Or the forgotten.

Even if we'd pretend,

We became the problem.

Couldn't pay with hail Mary's,

Magdalena, or her pose.

Pound of flesh, thorn, or rose.

We all bleed before we die.

I'll say a prayer for another time.

Our father, who art in heaven,

Let me borrow five, and I'll give you back seven.

No vig just a promise.

Give you piece of mind;

Let you own my conscience.

Paid in full, weekly, and on time.

Please believe,

I got something up my sleeve.


Thick As Thieves


Two tears in a bucket, so fuck it!

I'll shed one but you owe the other.

Slave to the one percent.

Wall street promises to those who played.

While we lived, paycheck to paycheck.

Bernie had a dream like King;

But no one would hire a socialist Jew.

Rich whites in black suits won't cater to you.

We should know better, this is what daddy said was true.

That when the sky turns black, Green turns blue.

Blue turns to green, in the scheme of things.

Even Davis was placed in the Pokey.

President one day, while Lincoln sipped on coffee.

Moroni gave us gold that we couldn't melt.

An Alien, who told us how he felt.

Not to drink, but we could marry many.

To gather souls so our churches weren't empty.

See it doesn't matter what you believe,

Because the ones who run things are thick as thieves.

Author notes

My point with this poem is, it doesn't matter if your human, rich or broke. We're all judged by what we have, not by what we have to give.


A Breast, A Heart, To Lay My Head


It is easy to blame god,

But not ourselves,

Because he is up there,

And we're by ourselves.

We needed something tangible.

Something simple for our simple minds.

This time, every time.

Regardless, I wear my garbage.

Stink and smell.

Thrive for heaven,

Headed towards hell.

Couldn't live perfectly.

Maybe it's you?

Maybe it's my immaturity.

Flawed souls,

Far from purity.

Take their toll.

Mirror and reflection.

My mind we're trapped in.

Lost the key, our direction.

Wave, shore, land and ocean.

Committed to him, our devotion.

Less we gave with more emotion.

If I make it back, I hope I make it back.

Towards his protection.

A breast, a heart, to lay my head on.


Corner Store [Where You Left Me]


No need for the drastic.

You want this to go?

Paper or plastic?

Always asking “What had happen?”

Where did the mess go?

Where are all the napkins?

Salt, pepper, ketchup.

Are always lacking.

Daily trip to the corner store.

Same clerk, soda jerk, as before.

They'd sold me cigarettes,

Because my Dad gave permission.

Bought him some Lotto to.

Everyday, same repetition.

Poor kid representing,

Daddy's social position.

The one he put me in.

Where I learned to lie, learned to sin.

Always lose, would seldom win.

Only to repeat it again.

I used to wait for you outside the check cashing place.

Begged for a twenty; A kiss on the face.

Kiss on the cheek.

When I saw you for ten minutes, once a week.

You would bring your other kids to my baseball game.

Showed me this was normal and Mom was to blame.

I remember when we'd walk to the end of the street.

To the corner store were you spent your ends meat.

Where our feet would meet, each step, when they met.

Alone, on our own, full of regret.

Our glass home, we'd throw stones.

Devastated and upset.

Penny candy for a thought.

A slice of vice, that we'd sought.


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