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Waiting for Success

Johanne Mesidor-Dorsainvil



This book is dedicated to my husband Enel and my beautiful sister Diana. Thank you both for supporting me in continuation of my project. Despite obstacles, you two allowed me to dream that all is possible through God.

Waiting for Success

Johanne Mesidor-Dorsainvil RN, BSN

Copyright © 2018 Johanne Mesidor-Dorsainvil


All rights reserved. No parts of this publication may be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever including stored in a database and/or published in any form or by manner, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the express written permission of the publisher.


Having a child is one of the most beautiful processes known to mankind. The journey can be bumpy and rough but, the reward is always worthy of the struggle. As I await patiently with much prayer and support, I look forward to spending precious time with my baby girl. Both my husband and I are preparing ourselves to serve as wonderful, cautious and observant parents to our child. We promise to love her unconditionally and protect her as best as we can from the hazards of this world. We pledge to raise her according to God’s word, which will provide her with the protection that she will need for the rest of her life. We pray that her arrival be one that is safe, joyous and memorable.


Back Again

The Labor and Delivery (L and D) technicians started rolling their eyes whenever they saw me walking up to the triage area. “They could get over themselves. They think they know everything.” Even this one judgmental nurse became irritated with me because my blood pressure was so good. It was something close to 100 over 80. Looking at her with disgust, I thought: “So what! I’m still having a headache and my liver enzymes continue to be elevated.” All of these healthcare professionals seem to think that I had nothing better to do than to hang out at the hospital. To them, it was as if I enjoyed seeing their precious faces all the time. These people were being very inconsiderate towards me. With an extensive history of birth loss, it was obvious the reason why I was being so cautious and acting moderately anxious. They were behaving like unappreciative females that had only experienced perfect pregnancies. Those fools probably didn’t even know what it was like to be in my situation. How dare they judge me! I so desperately wanted to tell them how I felt but, my husband convinced me not to. He didn’t want my words to come out the wrong way. He reminded me constantly that: “I didn’t know who would deliver the baby.” “You can’t trust people now a days”, he kept saying. “Plus, just be thankful to Jehovah that we’ve made it this far with so much frustration.” Undoubtedly, he was right. I really needed to count my blessings. Hearing him speak those words stopped me from complaining so much and led me to focus more on the current pregnancy.



Two years post my ectopic pregnancy, I found myself 29 weeks pregnant with my fourth pregnancy. I could hardly believe it. I was victorious just for getting this far. My husband and I thanked God every day. I could actually feel my baby girl kick and move! It was a great difference from my first pregnancy with Mark-Kenzie. With him, I did not feel anything but gurgling. There was no bumping against my belly, no movements, no kicks! This child exerted more qualities of a normal pregnancy.

On the ultrasounds, she looked just like me. She had huge lips and even bigger eyes. I kept asking my husband: “Do you know anyone in your family who has lips like these?” It was like I was trying to differentiate from one big lip to another. Duh! They were my lips of course. He amused me by answering: “No I can’t think of anyone honey.” It was quite humorous how we would do that. All in all, I think we were more apprehensive than anything else. These 29 weeks did not come about without many struggles. It took lots of precautions and re-analyzing our situation.

In the very beginning of us trying, we encountered multiple issues. I was so thankful that my husband went and spoke to one of his buddies at work about our fertility problem. It seems that they were just chatting one day and he asked my husband if he had any children. My husband told him: “No and that we were having some trouble in that department.” His friend then started explaining the trials him and his wife had recently undergone. He explained how his wife was once pregnant and then in an instance, after a couple of weeks, lost the baby. After that experience, he met someone that told him about an incredible doctor that helped numerous couples get pregnant and successfully have babies. Right then and there, my husband got really excited! He came home that day with big, happy, smiling eyes. It was clear that he had a message to tell. We started talking about the new option and it sounded like a great plan. We desperately wanted to go through with it, so I made an appointment with that doctor’s office right away. We prayed on the situation too, hopeful that Jehovah God would guide us through this new process. We felt certain that He would!


Waiting and Wondering

About one month later, I arrived at this special doctor's office for the first time. It wasn’t just him though, the office consisted of himself and his associates. The facility was very nice, clean, bright and inviting. The entire staff appeared well put together and knowledgeable. As soon as I walked in and towards the front window, I was asked for all of my information such as identification and health insurance. By this time, I had health insurance from my new job as a psychiatric nurse. This was a job that I hoped to keep for a very long time. Once my documents were returned, I was handed a form to fill out.

As soon as I was done filling out the form and handed it to the receptionist at the front desk, I waited patiently to see the doctor. I felt a little uncomfortable sitting there. The first appointment always seemed to be the longest. Plus, I came right after work and didn’t have a chance to freshen up. Yuck! I convinced myself that it was only an initial consultation, so I was okay. There was really no physical assessment completed on the first consultation anyways. It usually is just talking. My main focus was on meeting the doctor. I heard so much about him that I was feeling very excited. I felt like a new kid on the first day of school, ready to embark on new ideas that were never thought to me before.

Amazingly, I never felt hopeless during all of my trials. With all of the miscarriages that occurred, I still felt strong and hopeful. I didn’t feel like giving up, not for a third, fourth, fifth, six, 12th or even 50th try: If that many tries were possible. I have heard in the recent pass of doctors shutting down uteruses. Their owners were being told that the organ was wasted and could no longer be utilized. Although, after my prior ectopic pregnancy, my uterus was put on a temporary hiatus. I wanted to make sure that it did not get overused to the point of no repair. I knew how serious an ectopic pregnancy could be to a woman’s health in general. If my fallopian tubes would have erupted, I could have easily bled to death. It was possible for me to lose that tube all together, especially since at that time, I was not under the care of a specific physician. To add, a serious condition like an ectopic pregnancy was the last thing I expected. Therefore, until I decided on what I really wanted to do, I found a definitive method to prevent myself from getting pregnant. My fallopian tubes could not handle another shock.

That situation helped me to make a firm decision on whether or not I actually wanted kids. In reality, my husband and I were actually getting old. We were not getting older but old. He was heading towards 36 and I 33. There was no goal of me waiting to that popular age of 35. Call it whatever you want but, starting fertility treatment at those ages was pretty late. It felt like I wasted a good portion of my time being married. We could have been focusing on this very important point and not spending the majority of our moments together dealing with childish nonsense. At some point, it made me think twice about the people around me. “Where were our minds?” The entire situation made me think of whom exactly I had to work with. Thank goodness now, it seemed that we were both thinking straight or at least trying to think straight. There was more positive motivation between the two of us.


My Turn

After a few minutes, one of the

techs called my name and I followed her through the door. After my vital signs were obtained, I was escorted to the doctor’s office and offered a seat. There, I waited what felt like an eternity. I was beginning to wonder if he had forgotten about me. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep a good portion of the time. I found a cozy chair to put my feet up and kicked back. I was in no mood to bicker, complain or get mad. I used the opportunity to freshen up in the bathroom while waiting. All the while, I was hoping that this doctor did not plan on having a pelvic exam but, only wished to talk. I then rested a bit so that I could have a descent conversation with the doctor about my current medical condition. I wanted to know how he could possibly help me. I still felt excited about meeting him and figured since he was such a popular guy then there was a good reason for his lateness. He may have been busy with other patients.

A few more minutes passed and somebody walked in. I took my feet off of the chair and said hello. It was not at all who I expected to see. It wasn’t an older white gentleman like I imagined. Contrary, it was a young white woman, still yapping on her phone as she walked through the door: as if she wasn’t already late enough. She looked so young and careless. Giggling to myself, I thought: “She sits down, makes no eye contact and just keeps on talking on that phone.” Ridiculous. Nevertheless, I still sat tight patiently and didn’t fret. I was still in a good place and nothing was going to get to me. I didn’t care about peoples’ comportment. I was in the beginning of a very exciting project and exhilaration was in the air, even though I had no idea where this would lead. I was optimism at its best!



At last, the doctor finished talking and turned all of her attention to me. She quickly verified my name and apologized for making me wait so long. Once she evaluated my history, she looked at me and asked: “Have you ever thought about adopting?” This question caught me by surprise. At this stage of attempting to conceive, adoption seemed like a last resort if my husband and I exhausted all of our options. If I had the 50th pregnancy and my uterus was shut down then, I would look into adopting. I still felt young and my mindset was not to care for another person’s child. Never did I think of that as an option for myself. Clearly, I was not yet at my wit’s end. I was barely at the beginning of trying to get pregnant.

At first, I found it difficult to answer her. I could not comprehend why this woman would ask me such a question. She made me feel even more hopeless! She made me feel as if there was no possible chance of me successfully conceiving and having a child. “Was she getting paid on the side by adoption agencies to make this suggestion?” “What was her real objective?” Sure, I had that ectopic pregnancy, but I prevented any further pregnancies from taking place once I had the IUD (intrauterine device) inserted.

After letting the physician continue to advocate for adoption, I replied with much frustration. I explained that I was not ready to raise someone else’s child. I strongly believed that if you have a baby, then you needed to take care of it yourself. That person needed to man up or woman up and care for that child on their own. Plus, I explained to her, that I observed people who adopted children and initially, they looked very unhappy. They actually appeared embarrassed to be seen with the child at first. I further made it clear to her that I was not ready to go through that tough process. I did not feel like having those emotions. After going back and forth for a bit, she stopped badgering me about the subject.


Actual Appointment

Once we got down to talking about what mattered to me at that time, I asked about taking aspirin prior to and once I had conceived. I questioned the dosage that I would need to take. I wanted to know about using Lovenox too. “How early would I preferably need to start this blood thinning medication?”, I asked. The need to lose weight also came up. I wanted to have a precise plan in place to cover all the bases. There had to be step by step instructions so that no one felt confused on what to do or on what was going on.

As I finished questioning her regarding having a plan in place, the doctor explained to me that she actually would not be going in depth about the pre-conceive planning with me. She apparently would be referring me to a high-risk doctor instead to further discuss the details. Before she could even finish what she was saying, her phone rang and she picked it up. She commenced having another good old conversation with whoever was on the other end. She even gave out another patient's information to the clinician that she was talking to. I guess she figured since I was in uniform, I was under oath and wouldn’t say anything. Of course, I didn’t care. I was just surprised at her lack of consideration. I wasn’t on duty or anything as this was not a practice that I was affiliated with. During her conversation, she even looked at me and told the person that she was talking to: “How great of a client I was and how patient I was behaving.” I smiled and shook my head. “I’ll take all of the compliments that I can get.” Plus, I really didn’t care at this point. I was in a good “start-up” mood. Like when a young person is trying to start a new business venture for the first time. Even for the second or the third time. Their excitement cannot be smothered, not by water, smoke, negativity from their surroundings, by rudeness nor by ignorance. They are determined and that was that.

At last, she finished her long conversation and gave me final instructions but, not before giving me her lecture on why I should pick her as my doctor. She was practically begging. It looked as if she was new to the practice and needed clients. She told me that she had 15 years of experience and that she was a good doctor. She made me feel weary and uncomfortable. “Why would a person have to implore a client like that to be her doctor?” I said okay and followed the instructions. I ended up at the receptionist desk for discharge. I got the information to make an appointment with the high-risk doctor and one to see her again.

“Where in the world was that male doctor?” That’s who I really came to see. He was the more experienced one and owned the business. I love an old, male doctor. They are so relaxed for many reasons. It could be the old age or the fact that they were male. Whatever it may be, they always seemed very confident, relax and happy. Almost like they have very little stress in their personal lives and in their profession. Maybe I’ll request to see him next time. For now, let me just get through the drive home and go to sleep.


Up Again

Waking up from my long, awaited sleep, I saw my husband for the first time that day. He was anxiously waiting to hear about the visit. Of course, he called me before, throughout the day. At those moments, I probably was either busy talking to the doctor, too tired to answer the phone or just passed out sleeping. He would just have to wait till later. Just like me, he too thought I was seeing an old, white, male doctor. That was the picture his friend painted in our minds. Even so, he really wanted to know what the plan was. “How soon could we start trying?” “What medications would I have to be on and for how long?” The list of questions was endless. I explained to him that before we could start any of that, I would have to see the high-risk doctor first. It was important that I had a consultation with that person before anything could be decided.

Upon hearing those words, my husband’s eyes looked like they were looking to a far, far, far away future. Like me, he must have thought that I would go to the doctors, comprise a plan and get started on trying right away. Well, unfortunately, it was not that simple. We would have to wait just a little bit longer.

That night I went back to my reality show. I mean “work”. Upon coming back home the next day, I set up the appointment to see the high-risk physician. It seemed easy enough, until they requested information about past pregnancies and past medical records. Now the fun part begins. I had to get those papers from three different hospitals. Let’s see how much enjoyment I would get out of this.



As I grasped the task of retrieving that information, I realized how difficult it would be to retrieve all of those documents. For starter, I tried making phone calls to see if that would get the process rolling along. It was like hitting a brick wall. Those phone calls brought no result. All that I got was that I needed to go directly to each location. To add, none of the sites were within the hospital limits. I had to go and sign release paperwork to have the information either faxed over to the high-risk doctor or given to me to give to the doctor in person. Plus, for some of the facilities, I had to pay if I chose to have the documents handed straight to me. One hospital gave me such a hard time that I remembered sitting in my car crying out of frustration. I just wanted the stupid records in my hands. I only wanted to hand them to the doctor so that I could get started with this baby making process. If I didn’t have all of the paperwork, I couldn’t see the high-risk doctor. I couldn’t receive the all so important consultation that I needed.

That same day, I walked myself to the record department and requested they give me all my medical records right away! The receptionist asked from what date to what date. I told her that I needed all of my records and that I did not have any dates. She looked suspicious at me and asked: “What was it for?” That was when I started to get upset. “None of your business”, I thought. “I need them so I could give them to another doctor.” “What was it to her! They were my records! I could request them whenever I pleased!” She continued to give me a hard time. I prepared to give her a tough time too. It looked like her manager or supervisor was right in the back and paying attention to what was happening. She herself looked scared and suspicious. It dawned on me later on that maybe they thought that I was filing a lawsuit and that was the reason I needed all of the information at once. After a little bit of a struggle though, she handed me all of my paperwork.

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