Excerpt for On God And Being Gay by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

On God And Being Gay

Copyright 2019 J.T. Evergreen

Published by J.T. Evergreen

at Smashwords

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Many thanks to Khris Lawrentz for his tireless proofreading.

On God And Being Gay

I discovered, early on – late ‘40’s and 50’s, the pain of being gay and alone in a world that did not want me.

Fortunately, the metaphysical call within was strong and became fully engaged when my Lutheran confirmation class began at age fourteen. Reverend Stephan had no idea what he was in for when I began asking questions about the Bible, God, and religious doctrines. His answers to those questions set a pattern of vagueness to the existence of any Truth within organized religion which made my aloneness seem even more acute.

I shall never forget what I consider his best and most incredulous answer . . . "Well, son, it’s a mystery." I finally gave up and finished the class in silence, was confirmed into St. Peter’s Lutheran Church and once I turned eighteen . . . never went back . . . much to the chagrin of my sainted mother who prayed for the salvation of my benighted soul until her last breath at age ninety-eight. And, in a way, she was right, but the flickering inner flame of wanting to know did not go out.

When unthinking friends outed me, the entire family was engaged to bring me back into the fold of salvation. Acquiescence has never been a facet of my persona, thus the onslaught of well-meaning but misguided relatives produced the final break from all family ties. I was on my own physically and spiritually. It felt as if I had jumped off a cliff into a dark abyss of aloneness. But, of course, the Infinite’s everlasting arms were there to catch me even though I didn’t realize it at the time.

In looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Since then I've discovered that jumping off of cliffs when all other choices are too daunting to consider, is not such a bad choice and has, over the decades, lead me to a level of consciousness of knowing and understanding I didn't think possible. The gift of patience, kindness, and generosity toward others is now mine.

After several years of disappointment in my struggle to find answers to questions about God and being gay, truth appeared quietly one afternoon on a bookshelf in Kroch’s and Brentano’s bookstore in downtown Chicago. I had encountered many spiritual authors who expounded interesting and helpful principles of being, but they lacked that something I knew was missing even though I didn’t know what that something was. They were sincere and well-meaning but, they didn't know. I resigned myself to attaining a goal far below my inner expectations.

The spiritual axiom "Let go and let God" was new to me. At first, I thought it was the title of a book and searched diligently until a metaphysical bookstore owner enlightened me — it was just a saying. Thereafter, when discouraged, I began applying these compelling and powerful words of . . . letting go and letting God. Perhaps in so doing, I was lead to Kroch’s and Brentano’s on that perfect day which turned out to be the beginning of the path I was to follow for the next half century.

What I found in that bookstore is not as important as the act of giving in to the teacher within, the Divine spark that created us and continues to care for, love, and guide us if we will only permit it to do so. Not an easy task in this day and age when we are bombarded with so much distraction coming at us from all directions. But it’s there, waiting patiently within each one of us for that moment of silence when we open our ears to its prayer, that gentle voice within, always at the ready with whatever we require.

I pushed open the door of the bookstore and was hit by the smell of new books, new printing, even though my nostrils preferred the old dusty smell of used bookshops. Holding a 100-year-old book, feeling its worn edges, reading notes and underscores by former owners gives a certain rightness to its content.

But there I was in unfamiliar territory with all those new books which had never been opened. I browsed with no expectations. Nothing impressed me until I walked through the self-help section. And there it was. I did a double take on the spine of A Parenthesis in Eternity by Joel S. Goldsmith. I swore the book lit up and jumped right off of the shelf and into my hands. But, of course, it didn’t. I perused it, reading random passages and paragraphs.

I was shocked at what I was reading. I had never encountered such thinking before. The rightness of what I read was so compelling I bought the book, took it to my apartment and read it cover to cover in one sitting. I remember hearing myself whisper, "Yes, yes" over and over again. The shades were flying up, the light was blinding. I went back to Kroch’s the next day and bought the entire collection of Goldsmith’s books.

And so, my journey in truth finally began, providing the spiritual principles I had been desperately seeking. I came to the shocking and monumental realization . . . there is no God out there. The only God I would ever know would be the divine spark, the teacher within that brought me into being and continues to sustain me in spite of myself.

As for sexual orientation, that was the last hurtle to overcome. Why me, was the impetus that drove me mercilessly until the light finally dawned. I knew and understood and was finally free of the shackles of shame at being gay but then another horizon presented itself. How do I explain it to anyone who may ask? It took some doing, but it finally came together in a small book I recently published, Born in the Twilight. A free copy is available on Smashwords for those who need to know why they are the way they are, and long to remove that mill stone from around their necks.


There are millions of souls manifesting in physical form on this planet at this very moment. Each one is at some point in the spiritual/sexual cycle.

Imagine walking down a crowded street in New York City and coming to the realization that everyone you pass is at a different degree in the cycle.

Their bodies, for the most part, announce where they are on the scale. The dainty woman looking in a fashion display window while the gruff looking woman hurries by on her way to a factory job; the elegant man dressed to the nines, walking his dainty little dog, is taken aback by the truck driver delivery man who practically knocks him over as ne makes a delivery. And all the other folks in between these extremes.

There is no chance here. Everyone is exactly where they belong, experiencing what they need to experience in order to unfold spiritually.

“Why?” Has always been the question. Now, with the understanding provided herein, we may be able at long last to love them all no matter their appearance or position because of our new found realization that we are all on the same journey … the journey to perfection. This lifetime, these experiences are just one small step in that venture.

And should we all meet once again a thousand years from now, we will have moved on to the next step or degree in our unfoldment.


The key for me was and always will be . . . letting go and letting God, the God within, which is always at the ready to love, help, and guide. We just need to learn to listen.


About the Author J.T. Evergreen

OCCUPATION - Retired from the grind. Reflecting on successes, failures, and regrets. Exploring new aspects of self, writing that book which will get me an Oscar, staying out of trouble - well, small amounts of trouble are ok. Bringing joy into people's lives with random acts of kindness - the ones who aren't expecting it are the best.

ABOUT ME - Alone in blessed singleness. Wicked sense of humor, enjoy my own company, glad I'm not young any longer. I do miss the intimacy of being in love. Enjoy the possibilities of every moment, an imagination that won't quite, a master weaver - give away everything I make, excellent portrait painter, a national treasure - though no one agrees with me, a good listener, intuitive, a good conversationalist, avoid boredom and boring people at all costs - that's a career all by itself.

INTERESTS - Intelligent conversation: hard to come by these days, metaphysics, mysticism, my pups - Charlie, Max, and Bailey, seeing the funny side of life, going to Macy's at Christmas time - kicking Santa and punching an Elf. If I had a singing voice, which I don't, I would sing all of the time, wherever I was - even in WalMart. Wouldn't that be enchanting? When I receive the Oscar for the book I'm writing, I will have some baritone sing On A Clear Day, and I will lip sync his voice. It will wow the audience.

LOVES - Color and lots of it, strawberry jam, hiking up Yosemite Falls, Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco, sourdough bread, only made in San Francisco. Hearst Castle, Big Sur, sea air, Adams peanut butter, chocolate milk, rainy days, canaries singing, chocolate chip cookies my mother made, Greek yogurt with honey - oh, yum. Laughter. I make it a point of doing this many times a day.

HATES - Stupidity, insensitivity, bad table manners - come on, how difficult is it to hold a fork properly - it's not a shovel for God's sake. Snow, ice, slush, freeway traffic, lima beans - what was God thinking, sleepless nights, people who are late, texting - it's a cop-out, alcohol, red meat,

FAVORITE BOOKS - The Spiritual Journey of Joel S. Goldsmith.

FAVORITE MUSIC – Joplin’s Peachrine, Ahmad Jamal - Country Tour - the absolute best jazz - never tire of it. Someone Waits for You – Carly Simons, Helen Kane singing Button Up Your Overcoat and I Want to Be Bad – I relate to the lyrics. And the Tenor who sang Springtime for Hitler in the Zero Mostel version of The Producers. No one seems to know who he is. What a voice.

FAVORITE FILMS – The Celluloid Closet, Witness for the Prosecution, It Could Happen to You, Maltese Falcon, Inherit the Wind, 12 Angry Men, Harold and Maude, Murder on the Orient Express, Hope and Glory, Sorry Wrong Number, Speed, Practical Magic, Apollo 13, Where the Red Fern Grows, The original Producers - touch me, hold me - Estelle was terrific, and Zero - what can I say.

FAVORITE QUOTES – The poetry in writing is the illusion it creates: by me. Lord Chesterfield: “Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.” The saddest words of tongue or pen are these - It might have been - indeed they are. If you want to make a success out of old age, you better start now: my mother when I was 15. On a clear day, you really can see forever - you just have to look. I may be rancid butter, but I'm on your side of the bread. Inherit the Wind.

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”

Omar Khayyam

Other books by J.T. Evergreen

Short Stories to Celebrate the New Year

Alone at the Beach 25 short stories to keep you company

Home Alone 8 Great Stories to keep you company

Born in the Twilight

Injun Summer


Short Stories for a Summer’s Day

Holiday Short Stories

With All My Love

Father Frederick Monahan

Shangri la, Stepping Stones to God

I’m Gay Mother – Get Over it

The Olde Book Shoppe

Naked Before God

The Italian Call Boy

The Silence of Healing

Death of a Pope Birth of Hope

The Best Short Stories Ever

My Love Affair with Father Tomas McTavish

Father Gibbon with Sister Mary Magda in development

I get choked up when I re-read some of my stories.

I’m told that’s a sign of being a good writer.

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Here’s a collection of tunes to send you on your way. Cheers, JT , , , , , ,

That's all, folks. Thanks for reading this story.

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